Mango's Kingdom

What's Wrong With Me?

2010-02-04T22:09:00.003-05:00

A girl walked up to me one day and said, "Alley, I'm sad. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I don't... There are so many things I don't know. What's wrong with me?" and all I could do at that very moment was to stare blankly and in awe at her because I didn't know what to respond. What's wrong with me? No one seems to think anything is wrong with her, and I try to believe them, and say that nothing is wrong, but I can't. It doesn't make sense. So I continue to stare at the girl in awe, and eventually walk away without speaking another word. She says nothing, she only sits and then all the lights shut off, and then they're back on again. All I hear is the sound of the piano playing in the song that I've become attached to. What's wrong with me? The world is falling apart, being eaten away by our endless desires, people are dying because the world is over populated, polar bears are drowning, that girl over there looks so pretty but she's actually an idiot... I can spot what's wrong with everyone else, but lack the answer to that one question.

I listen to the song and want to cry. I open my agenda and want to cry. A car nearly hit me and I'm still in shock. I'm crying. Nothing makes sense. Perhaps the tears aren't real, and if the tears aren't real, the pain isn't real, and that would mean that no one is suffering. There is no way for me to prove that the tears are real. Sure I feel them, taste them, but I could be mistaken. A disturbed person may hear voices in their heads, voices that direct them and control them. It is not though because they see and hear them that they are necessarily real. Then again, it is not because a doctor says that they are pigments of imagination that they are without question extracts of thought. Who's the doctor to say what does or doesn't exist. He's a man of science yes, but what is science other than something that someone far off in the past randomly decided to create? What does two mean? Why two? Why does two times two give four? Why not thirteen? It's abstract. It doesn't make sense. Somebody made it up and went way out of hand to the sciences of today that are based on something that someone someday created.

What's wrong with me?

Perhaps then the voices are not fake. Perhaps polar bears are not drowning. Perhaps people are not dying. Perhaps...

In bed I close my eyes, the lights go off and then back on.

"What's wrong with you?" I ask.

"I'm self conscious, fat, hard-headed, ruled by only vanity and envy, a most vile of duos", she says.

"What's wrong with me?"

"You talk with imaginary people that live in your head."

M a n g o

Lapis Prologue - Gackt

2010-02-04T20:06:00.002-05:00

Yume ni kizutsuite mo nanimo kawari wa shinai
atarashii tobira o aketa
hirogaru sekai e tsuzuku

setsunai hodo ni dakishimerareteita kono karada o
honno sukoshi dake tsuyoku naru tame ni mizukara o
kizuketeita...

tooku e tsuzuku michi o ima wa arukitsuzukeru... dake sa

~~

Even though the dream hurts me I don't change anything
I opened a new door...
I continue into the expanding world

I could embrace this body until it hurts
I could hurt myself
In order to become just a little bit stronger...

I just... keep walking on the endlessly continuing road.

M a n g o

The Sound of Her Crying

2009-06-26T00:21:00.002-04:00

"And you, what's your problem?"

"He can't think for himself."

"It's true."

~The Breakfast Club~

I seem to have the same issue as Andrew "Sporto" from the breakfast club. I can't think for myself. Or perhaps Claudio from Coheed & Cambria's problem of having the curse of words. I have the words, all of them, but I cannot say them. Write them down, sure. Easily enough, that is something that I can possibly do.

It's sad. This person... Alley... I don't feel is me. Or perhaps she is me and that's what upsets me. I'm at a constant loss for words and I'm afraid of so many things, which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing, but it's also troubling because I seem to now be afraid of what's going to be thought of me once I've opened my mouth. It's kind of depressing since no one seems to see me in that way, or at least not in such a deep manner. Give me a close friend and I will fear none and speak all, take that away and I hide up inside myself and just go along with things that perhaps I shouldn't.

I just hope to be able to deal with this since it seems to be a fairly recent addition to my character flaws in the sense that it is now becoming a dominant one.

Life goes on I suppose and I will either grow out of it, or never tell that I'm permanently stuck.

M a n [G] o

On a side note, I had one of the greatest evenings ever last night with some of my closest friends. It is to all of them that I tip my hat and bow.

Mein Schwarzer Falter

2009-05-31T19:25:00.005-04:00

Wow. Just wow.

It was so much fun! Even though I'm almost tired enough to pass out in front of the computer, it was all worth it! ^__^

Old Boy is indeed a very good movie, and I do recommend to anyone interested in asian film to watch it. The plot was amazing and the ending was just... omg! :]

Hehe. Again! Again!

M a n [G] o

[:

2009-05-28T15:31:00.001-04:00

"But are you going to kill her off?"

"It's not your decision. I love the character, she stays."

"Yeah, well the only thing love's done is put you in this position; I say kill her off!"

"Yeah, but you say a lot of things... and how does that work? You're a bicycle!"

~Coheed & Cambria~

M a n [G] o

We Won't Wanna Stop

2009-05-21T09:40:00.003-04:00

Ok so, I just missed the bus to go to the mall with a friend whom I haven't seen since sometime in December. xD Hopefully she won't be cross with me! Ah... Message. She's going to be late as well! (I feel less bad now hehe.) I got lucky! ^^

Last night was the music show, and I believe that it went fairly well! The younger students have really raised the bar for us this time. Seriously, they were really amazing for the most part. It was wonderful to hear all those trombonists! They had such a lovely sound, all of us "ancients" were amazed. I hope to hear them again next year! Wow! Encore Encore Bravo! hehe.

The time is coming! I'm so excited!

M a n [G] o

Faaip De Oaid

2009-05-17T23:17:00.002-04:00

I, I don't have a whole lot of, of time. Um, OK, I'm a former employee of Area 51. I, I was let go on a medical discharge about a week ago and, and . . . I, I've kind of been runnin' across the country. Um, um, damn, I don't know where to start. They're, they're gonna, um, they'll triangulate on this position really really soon. OK, um, um, OK, what, what we're thinking of as, as aliens, uh, they're, they're extra-dimensional beings that an earlier precursor of the, um, space program they made contact with. Uh, they, they are not what they claim to be. Uh, they've infiltrated a lot of, uh, about a lot of aspects of, of, of the military establishment, particularly the Area 51. Uh, the, the disasters that are coming, they, the, the military, I'm sorry, the government knows about them. And, and there's a lot of safe areas in this world that they could begin moving the population to now. They are not! They want those major population centers wiped out so that the, the few that are left will be more easily controllable. ~~Tool

M a n [G] o

Friends & Alcohol

2009-05-10T19:09:00.003-04:00

Today's mother's day and I appreciate my mom for everything that she does for me and for all the ways in which she puts up with me. We get into great many spiffs but that didn't stop her from listening to me today and that's what I needed. My eyes burn like crazy now and I sobbed like a sorry sap, but I feel better. School is almost done and she says it doesn't matter if I get a job or not and she's right. If I don't, I'll have all the more time to just be alone and write.

~~

Oh. The. Awkwardness.

~~

M a n [G] o

Bipolar Disorder Likely

2009-05-01T22:41:00.002-04:00

To start, I had a most wonderful afternoon today. I could not have hoped for better and it did me a lot of good to change my scenery a bit. Ice cream eating on a really windy day proved to be much funnier than I expected! Also, supper was most delicious at Kabbab and the decor inside looked really nice. It looks so much cleaner and so much nicer than the KFC that was there previously. [lol] And even though we all left with garlic breath, we are still the most prettiest! :] Oh! And it was great to watch the Road to Eldorado! I hadn't seen that movie in what seems like an eternity and so it was kind of like seeing it for the first time. Personally, I can't wait to watch Atlantis! Hooray for compulsive buying right Kiwii? [But it was a sale.................. ^^]

On a graver note, I feel really terrible about being so irritable with him. I just can't help it, but I can't bring myself to tell him to stop saying those things to me either. I get it that he's really interested in F-O and if I had said only that, there would be no issue. But the fact that he now wants me to go ask about what F-O thinks of him is crossing the line. It annoys me because I know that F-O is not interested and also that he sometimes thinks that Shikko [the annoying person in question] is over the top and just too much with all his talk of his sexual desires and experiences and things of the sort. I agree, sometimes he really crosses the line and it makes us feel terribly awkward, but I'm not able to tell him that it bothers me. He trusts me a lot with this whole thing, but I really don't like being put in the middle and in the spot like this. Furthermore, I don't very much enjoy being told what to do, and msn only makes it worse. "Call him now and see if he's working tomorrow." [It's freaking past 10 o'clock. Had I called, I could've caused a lot of trouble for F-O with his parents.] "Ok well call him tomorrow when you wake up so we can see if we're doing anything." [Do it your friggin self. -__- You have his number.] I don't like how he always makes it so that I'm the one calling everyone trying to organize something or the other. I don't mind having people over, but he could play some phone tag as well. He does nothing but play video games anyways, and then complains that he's tired because he was up late studying. Gimme a break! Come on! It's his own fault so he has no reason to complain. I'm overdosing. He allows himself far too many things with me, to the point where I don't even like when he touches me. [FYI: *touches*= not in a sexual manner. He likes to take my hand or hold me, stuff like that.] In moments like those, I feel terribly hostile because he's in my space without me wanting him to be there. I discreetly pull away put once whatever excuse I found expires, moments later, he's taking my hand again. And so, I take deep breaths and endure it. He's a good friend and I don't want to hurt his feelings or anything, but I really do need a break. Push, push, push and in an instant I can explode. It's not fun for me, and certainly not for the other person. I just wish he'd stop. He can want to date F-O all he wants, but I don't want to be in the middle of it. He wants me to be there when he tells him... How can I refuse? Although, I feel sick to my stomach when I imagine all the ways in which that could go wrong. I feel that if he tells him, he has a huge chance of ruining their friendship. I don't want to be there. I don't like seeing F-O mad, I don't want to see Shikko sad... I barely want to be involved. I wish to be left alone, but at the same time I don't. Things are so out of whack in my mind... I hope things will get better once school's out. This is too much for me... I don't know what to do...

M a n [G] o

P.S: The bipolar thing was a quiz that some guy handed out in English class today during his oral and on which my answers indicated: Bipolar disorder likely. It's sillyness. :] It's a very aquarius-like characteristic to be contrary. Anyways, goodnight! Oh, and also, sorry for all the blablabla but it's really bothering me and I needed to write it down.

Procrastinator Par Excellence

2009-04-28T21:19:00.002-04:00

Alright. I admit it. I suffer from severe procrastination... All of this could've been done so much earlier, but there always seemed to be something better to do at the time. As such, it would be terrible for me to complain. So, I'm not complaining! =] But, I will be the happiest I've been in a while where school is concerned once it's all finished! As far as grades go, lately I've been doing very well in all but French and I really have to perform terribly to actually fail anything [except French of course which I am currently almost failing].

A lion helped me correct my English project! ^___^ I am just far too lucky a girl to know someone like that hehe. :]

21 days left, weekends and others included! It is doable!

M a n [G] o

Here's a Lullaby to Close Your Eyes

2009-04-21T12:36:00.004-04:00

I really would need a nice lullaby right about now. There is nothing that I want more at the moment than to sleep... But all is not bad! =] (Some is though...)

I can't believe how much I despise her. Loathe her! I don't often use those words because I don't often judge people so harshly, but what she did truly screams "bitch". We are in philoshophy together and two weeks ago, I missed class. So, a couple days later, I saw her and I asked her if we had gotten any homework and also what we had done in class. She replied simply, "oh yeah we watched the movie, but I don't remember what it's called."

"Mmmk, did we have a text to write on it or anything? Did we have other stuff?"

"Yeah." (Grrrrr)

"What was it?"

"We had a question to do, but I don't have my stuff with me."

"Fine. I'll go see the teacher."

I never did find the teacher. He was never in his classroom. Sooo, I asked another girl yesterday what it that she had done and what the homework was and she told me about the movie and that the work on the movie was only for those who were failing. Perfect, I'm not failing. She also told me about the questions we had to answer and said that she would make a copy of it and give it to me today (which she did). I am truly thankful!

-So this morning, the other girl (the not so nice one) sees me in the hall and asks, "did you start the homework yet?"

"No."

And then she has this kind of smirk/grimace on her face as she replies, "ah you really should've. It's really long and there's like 40 pages to read."

WTF? She very well knew what the homework was from 2 weeks ago. She could've told me the pages, even if she didn't have the questions. I have the book, I could've read the second half had I known that's what it was. She does all these things and says all these things to spite everyone and I'm glad that people are starting to realize how she really is. Personally, I never liked her. But I was always polite and I always help her if she needs it. The worst part is, she's not only like this to me. She talks behind people's backs to get them into all kinds of shit with other people and that's really what annoys me the most. RAWR!! I'm frustrated, but I have to get over it because my projects won't do themselves today and they need to be ready for tomorrow. Plus, I want some free time to spend online later... xD

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it! =] Thanks for reading my "talk-shitting". It had to be done and I feel much better now!

M a n [G] o

P.S No more swearing in my next entry. ^^

The Hunt is On

2009-04-12T22:26:00.002-04:00

So, here I am enjoying my long weekend. So far, I haven't actually done much. I went shopping on Friday with Cow, Kiwii and Vicki and we went to a store that what selling really nice shirts for as little as 3$! I only bought two, but they're nice enough! Also, we went to the Eaton centre down town where new sandals followed me home from Payless. I was actually surprised to find such comfortable ones at that store, but I'm very happy with them so far. Before going to the Eaton Centre, we stopped off at the Bell Centre so that Kiwii and I could buy our tickets for the Osheaga fest. We couldn't have left the city without first having gone there for Coldplay and Jason Mraz will be performing among other groups that we don't know on the Saturday. My mom thinks that it was a waste of money, I think it's a necessary sacrifice. It will be a great show! My feet will hurt like crazy and my legs are going to want to fall off, but it doesn't matter! xD All for good music!

Today and yesterday have been fairly uneventful. I did absolutely nothing constructive yesterday and went with my dad to his friend's house where we had some rhum and orange juice. I got a spiny head real quick haha. I was with my dad though so I wasn't worried about having to slow down the pace. Today we drove down to the cottage and drove around there since it was pretty nice outside. It feels great to just watch the water flowing and stuff and hopefully next time it'll be warmer and more snow will have melted, that way we'll be able to spend more time out of the car and walk down to the lake. I'm actually excited about going back... I don't think I've ever been particularly excited about going there... I guess now I just enjoy the calm.

Tomorrow I'm going to get my projects started. I've been procrastinating for two days, but I really need to start them. I don't necessarily need to finish them all, although it would be nice, but at least do most of the work for the ones that need the most time and effort. Yeah... those ones suck. History of Art, French, Linguistics, English, Philosophy... so much work! My only consolation, I get some fun and excitement as soon as it's all done. Thank you! =3

M a n [G] o

Why Can't They Let Me Be?

2009-04-05T15:19:00.002-04:00

Such a hectic week! I'm glad that in a few days I will have a nice break and I will be able to relax, breathe, and do my homework properly hehe. There are only 4 weeks left! But as all College-goers know, less time means more projects and more exams, all of which are worth the largest portion of your grades and so, whether you pass a class or not normally rests on how you perform in the last couple weeks. I say bring it on! There is only one class that I'm actually worried about failing and that's French, but my teacher's really not bright and so most of my class has a real problem with her. We'll see... God I hope to pass that class!

Also... well actually, I'll wait to see how a certain situation develops before talking about it. I don't want to bring bad luck to anything!

M a n [G] o

It Takes Silence to Make Sound

2009-03-23T20:56:00.001-04:00

I'm ecstatic! Really and truly ecstatic! I'm feeling as though this week will be the best that I will have had in a while. To start, on Wednesday my later class is canceled, which means I finish at 12:30 (yes!!). Also on Wednesday, there will be a "foire a l'emploi". I'm not sure how to say it in English, but basically, people are coming from different stores and we can give out our CVs and so we have more chances of getting a job, and God knows I need one...

On Thursday, my twin is supposed to be meeting at my school. I'm not sure if she'll be coming home with me or not, but I really would love if she would! (Although seeing her is enough to make me happy hehe. I need my dose of twin time!) Oh, actually, I just remembered. I'm supposed to be going out for Kiwii's birthday on Thursday. xD But I'm sure the invited will not be bothered by her presence! =] (She loves you all very much!)

I just recently got off the phone with Kayla (one of my best friends since at least the 3rd grade) and she is turning 18 tomorrow! She's having a party on Saturday that starts at around 3p.m, but since I'm going to be a very busy bee this weekend, and because we are madly in love with each other (haha), I'm going to go around noon to do some much needed catching up! Also, since neither of us has any idea of what we want for out birthdays, we were thinking of going shopping on Friday to buy each other whatever we found the other seemed interested in (as long as it be within a reasonable price range of course!)

Sunday I should be seeing my other childhood best friend. I've known her since kindergarten and I used to go to her house every Saturday when I was a kid. I practically remember the layout of her house even though I haven't been there since the 5th grade at the latest. I wonder what the conversations are going to be like. We both agreed that it would be pretty awkward at first, but I'm sure we'll get back into it and time will fly hehe. We have much much catching up to do! I can't wait to see her mom again. O__O I have this kind of non-aged mental image of her, and I still remember the sound of her voice... Wow.

I can't wait for this weekend!

M a n [G] o

Never Again

2009-03-15T20:37:00.003-04:00

Would have given up my life for you

Guess it's true what they say about love

It's blind

Girl, you lied straight to my face

Looking in my eyes

And I believed you 'cause I loved you more than life

And all you had to do

Was apologize

You didn't say you're sorry

I don't understand

You don't care that you hurt me

And now I'm half the man

That I used to be when it was you and me

You didn't love me enough

My heart may never mend

And you'll never get to love me, again

No, no, no, no, no, no

Sadness has me at the end of the line

Helpless watched you break this heart of mine

And loneliness only wants you back here with me

Common sense knows that you're not good enough for me

And all you had to do

Was apologize, and mean it

But you didn't say you're sorry

I don't understand

You don't care that you hurt me

And now I'm half the man

That I used to be when it was you and me

You didn't love me enough

My heart may never mend

And you'll never get to love me

I wish like hell I could go back in time

Maybe then I could see how

Forgiveness says that I should give you one more try

But it's too late, it's over now

You didn't say you're sorry

I don't understand

You don't care that you hurt me

And now I'm half the man

That I used to be when it was you and me

You didn't love me enough

My heart may never mend

And you'll never get to love me

Again

Again, yeah, yeah

Again, again, again, yeah, yeah, yeah

Never get to love me

----

Fairly old song by Justin Timberlake that I just happened to stumble upon last night whilst listening to some of my older cds. It fits my current mood quite well (swap each word "girl" for "boy" and "man" for "girl"). I don't think that things can be fixed... and I don't think that I want them to be. There are only so many buttons that one can push before they press the wrong one and everything explodes.

BABOOOOOOOOM!!

M a n [G] o

Mirror My Torment

2009-03-14T13:00:00.003-04:00

I simply do not know what to do anymore... Wait, don't wait? Call, don't call? End it, don't end it? Where does this misery end..? I just want to get the hell out of this stupid city for a while. I'm sick of being at school and having to smile for circumstance. I'm sick of hearing, "I saw him yesterday and it was great and we had sex" from someone who's cheating on his girlfriend. I'm sick of school and sick of being at home... I don't want to have a moment to be by myself because that's when I start to think and the thinking makes me lonely, and in my loneliness I want to call but I'm torn because I don't want to. Constant torment that I'm sure he doesn't even care about. He doesn't think that he's hurting me and he doesn't give me the chance to tell him. I'm being a real shit to everyone and I just want to disappear for a while. I would like my thoughts to take a vacation so I could really be as empty as I feel...

M a n [G] o

[X & Y]

2009-03-09T18:41:00.003-04:00

Trying hard to speak and

Fighting with my weak hand

Driven to distraction

So part of the plan

When something is broken

And you try to fix it

Trying to repair

Anyway you can

I dive in at the deep end

You become my best friend

I wanna love you but I don't know if I can

I know something is broken

And I'm trying to fix it

Trying to repair it

Anyways I can

Oooohh, oooohh

You and me are floating on a tidal wave... together

You and me are drifting into outer space... and singing

Oooohh, oooohh

[...]

Coldplay X&Y

[...]

"Je feel pour être célibataire...''

Ouch...

M a n [G] o

I've Got to Run Like the Wind

2009-03-04T19:41:00.002-05:00

So, I spoke to him earlier. It was quite a relief to actually hear his voice and for him to not tell me that he had to call me back. [Well, actually he did say it after 10 minutes of conversation, but he called back 10 minutes later.] He said that he was going to try his hardest to see me on Friday, but I wonder if he will try as hard when I ask him to come to my place. We'll just have to see I guess. I really want to see him though...

Last night, my faithful sidekick Kiwi and I went to the movies to see Taken (with Liam Neeson) along with mom and my brother. We both found the movie to be rather amazing! Although the content of the movie was rather hard on the soul, human trafficking not being something that we think about very often, it was great to see how comitted a father could be to his daughter even after he had missed out on much of her life... It was a really cute story for the most part [even though the mother was a real b*tch!]

Today was as boring as all Wednesdays are when there's no music practice to lighten the load of stress. A good thing though, F-O invited me to spend the weekend with him, Myriam and his family at his chalet. I think it's a really fun idea, but if it's only going to be his parents, him and Myriam (because I was told there might be others), I might refuse since he and Myriam are together. I'd rather they spend time together as a couple than worry about what's going on with the third wheel.

And I suppose that is all for today's news. Thank you and have a great evening.

M a n [G] o

Breaking Slowly

2009-03-02T22:00:00.004-05:00

He's making things terribly difficult for me. Stupid boys.

***

On the plus side, I spent the day with Zero on Saturday! After dragging him to each and every shoe store in the mall and finally buying a pair, we went to the movies and saw "Fired Up". (I recommend it to all who may have thought that it wouldn't be worth the money. It really is a good movie.) We had a really fun time and it was great to see him again. =]

After that, I slept over at my favorite Cow's house hehe. I can't recall what we had done that night, but I believe that we were talking 'til somewhere around 1 a.m. Contrary to what her sister said when she lay down in my place, I found the couch to be very comfortable! I could've stayed there for another hour had my body not desired a certain form of relief! (Haha I went potty! xD) After what we called breakfast but that was actually around lunch time, we got dressed and took about 120 photos (90 of which are on my computer, 30 of which are all Biquette!) We then played a little piano, but not for long. Thank you for the great evening Cow!

Sunday evening, along with my mother and brother, I went out to supper with my twin and her parents. The chicken was oh so exquisite! (I'm certain that I spelt that wrong.) It was also nice to blab to her about certain issues, although her solution was not one that I appreciated. Whether she is right or not, it is for me to see to. Ah... If only I could see him again soon, that would help.

M a n [G] o

There Will Be Justice in Murder

2009-02-23T19:14:00.004-05:00

I tell myself to be strong. I feel zapped of what I thought to be unbreakable strength. Not too long ago, I had a conversation with someone of great importance to me in which I remember stating that if ever I felt that a guy wasn't worth my time, it was as easy as one-two-three to throw his ass out the door, no second thoughts. So why the second thoughts now?

Covered in snow, shivering with rage, I made my why towards his front door. To this day, I have not the slightest idea of how I managed to make it there on my own, but it certainly was one hell of a walk.

I knocked ceaselessly for a long moment before someone actually came to the door. His dog barked loudly and I smiled as I let him jump on me and I gave him the attention that he was looking for.

Be strong.

"Good boy! Yes it has been a long time hasn't it?" When I finally looked up, he was looking down at me, slightly incredulous.

"Qu'es-tu fais la namour?"

"What's it look like? I'm chasing a coward."

"Comment tu t'es rendu?"

"By foot Asswipe. Why else would I look like a snowman?"

"Tu veux-tu bin me repondre cawlisse?"

"Ne me sacres pas dessus!"

''Ok désolé mais là, comment t'es arrivée?''

''Peu importe. Je t'oblige présentement à me parler.''

''Tu dis ça comme si je t'évitais!''

''Tu me fucking niaise?''

Silence. Don't lose your cool or he might lose his head.

''Ça fait déjà plus qu'une semaine que j'essaie de te rejoindre et toi tu me sors des excuses constamment. Putain! Pourquoi tu veux pas me parler?''

''Ah, namour comment t'expliquer ça... Fâches-toi pas s'il te plait...''

...

His words were like the venom of some poisonous creature, flowing through my veins and paralyzing my very being. I could feel nothing as I put my shoes and jacket back on. I wanted to hang myself with my scarf. He didn't try to hold me back... Then again, I don't believe that I'd left him in a state capable of doing much of anything. His dog whined and I pet him one final time.

I'm stupid. I'm stupid. I'm stupid.

God knows how I made it home. My mother was on the couch when I burst through the door. She quickly jumped to her feet and attacked me with questions. Are you ok? Where were you? What's wrong? I pushed passed her and mumbled something along the lines of ''I need to be alone''.

Once upstairs, I cried. I sobbed as though my goal were to create my own water source.

----

Now, hours later, I continue to cry. I don't want to talk to anyone, nor do I want to be around anyone... I cry because I feel so dumb. He just called and said he loved me. The fragment of my imagination above makes me feel horrible about even having imagined something like that. He loves me and there's nothing wrong... He loves me and there's nothing wrong...

~~~~~~~~

Wouldn't that be nice?

M a n [G] o

Run Run Little Rabbit

2009-02-20T20:25:00.002-05:00

Please...

Don't promise me a minute...

...And take three hours.

Don't promise me anything anymore...

...Not unless you intend to stick to it.

M a n [G] o

Nobody Knows But You

2009-02-10T16:10:00.002-05:00

In the worst of all your fears

You have come so far to hear

That in turn they've showered your name

As the laughing stock

Now by fire you must hang

As my word holds course through vein

You will walk to the end of days

I'll gravitate towards you

I will, in the now, hate you

These days are numbered

This close encounter

To the heartland, through the madness

I'll make you wish

You hadn't burned our time before

I'll live through this

In a manner cursed at my own accord

I don't want to go

So come on bitch

Why aren't you laughing now?

You left me here to fend on my own

So cry on bitch,

Why aren't you laughing now?

In my presence

You will make sure the fiction meets its fate

That death will grace your face my dear character

Through these lessons you have learned

All the worlds from here must burn

For as God demands that the end we miss

I'll make you wish

You hadn't burned our time before

I'll live through this

In a manner cursed at my own accord

I don't want to go

So come on bitch

Why aren't you laughing now?

You left me here to fend on my own

So cry on bitch,

Why aren't you laughing now?

If my shame spills our worth across this floor

Then tonight, goodnight, I'm burning Star IV

Only, I don't even think of you

No, I don't wanna think of you... anymore

Goodnight, tonight, goodbye

If, then should they come home

With failed attempt we'll know

I won't leave a stone unturned

These worlds will surely burn

Wait

But what did I do to... to deserve all of you

Jesse, bad boy

Just come look at what your brother did,

To that girl's precious little whore of a body

[x4]

I'll make you wish

You hadn't burned our time before

I'll live through this

In a manner cursed at my own accord

I don't want to go

So come on bitch

Why aren't you laughing now?

You left me here to fend on my own

So cry on bitch,

Why aren't you laughing now?

If my shame spills our worth across this floor

Then tonight, goodnight, I'm burning Star IV

Only, I don't even think of you

No, I don't wanna think of you... anymore

Goodnight, tonight, goodbye

Well, I don't wanna think of you

No girl, I don't wanna think of you... anymore

Goodnight, tonight, goodbye

Coheed & Cambria

M a n [G] o

The Curve of Your Body

2009-02-07T15:31:00.002-05:00

It seems I have survived another week of school. To say the least, it was very dramatic, but all the things that happened will only in bring everyone closer together. The present issue of Kai is something that we will all have to deal with and accept since our dear friend F-O is in love with her. Personally, I'm trying my best to bring her into the circle, or at least, to make her feel less left out. I want things to work out between the two of them since she makes him happy. It sucks though that other members of our group send her dirty looks and make their unhappiness fairly obvious when she's around. They don't know her, so they shouldn't take their first judgements and not allow her to show them who she really is. I feel really bad about having said things behind her back... and I'm really glad that F-O explained her situation to me because I can now understand her behaviour better. I do still think that she's weird, but it just something that I will get used to! =]

Oh! My birthday was great by the way! Almost everyone was present and things were amazing. I had nothing planned and I just let things take their course, which ended in a Wario game that everyone enjoyed. =3 I found it hilarious how quick we turned a child's game into something dirty. xD [The ninja...] But it's all because of the narrator's voice!! O_o That really is one of the most random games I've ever played! Thank you everybody!!

M a n [G] o

Killing Me Softly

2009-01-29T17:48:00.002-05:00

It's funny. Yesterday, I was happy, giddy almost. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same today. An unfortunate chain of events... It sucks. I feel utterly unimportant today. Replaceable. Forgettable. I suppose though that it was stupid of me to believe that it's not because one always takes the time to wait for someone else that the someone else is obliged to do the same. That someone else can leave with whomever they please, whenever they please. They can tell you that they will wait for you and leave only moments later, whilst you are in the midst of preparing yourself to leave. They can do that. There exists no obligation to stay and wait even if they said that they would. Now how could I have ever thought of something like that? Like my old man says: "When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me." There is no need for confrontation on this matter, for it would be frivolous. It would only make something small very big and very irrepairable. An argument is not desirable. It would change things. No matter how minute the change would be, it would still BE.

I want tomorrow to be over and done with... I hope that my classes will finish in what will seem like no time and then I shall be rewarded for my patience, or lack thereof. And then, Saturday will come around and things will be better than great. Today's events will no longer be an issue, or so I hope... I won't be wanting to do things that belong in my stories... I'll be ok.

M a n [G] o

You Find Your Way Out

2009-01-28T21:29:00.003-05:00

It's getting late and I'm extremely exhausted, but I am not unhappy.

My birthday is coming up and I will be celebrating it in company of some of my closest friends on Saturday, and I'm sure that I will enjoy my day as much as I enjoy every moment that I spend with them. Also, Manu might be present, and so, it will be a good occasion to break the ice (so to speak) of his existence with my mother. Of course, I will lie about how I met him, what he does, his age... so on and so forth. I just want to be able to say that I'm going to see him and not have to give fake allibis all the time. We'll see how things go if he decides to come. He's rather nervous!

I had a really fun day that I spent mostly in company of Lu when I wasn't in class! We laughed so much! Honestly, it had been a while since I had laughed like that. I missed it. That feeling you get when you're incapable of making a sound and yet you are laughing so hard that your body aches... Wow. Haha =3 Thanks inflatable doll!

Goodnight, farewell!

M a n [G] o

Now Go Bite Your Tongue

2009-01-22T21:07:00.002-05:00

Thursday, January 22nd 2009, 4:24 p.m~~

It's getting late

Or so it feels

They say time flies

I say it drifts

It is slowing down

Drastically, things lose motion.

Fear another day?

Maybe if it ever came.

Ridiculously lonesome

Music blasting yet unheard

Lost in thought.

Nothing is fake

Everything is what it seems

Disappointing

Boring

Impossible to change the outcome.

Words simply float

Meaningless when assembled

Inspiration far from discovery

What's happening?

The important ones have gone.

Time slows

The pain suddenly more fierce

It's noticeable now.

Sanity isn't home

He'll call back later

Yet only death awaits the lost

Salvation isn't an option.

Shivers of pain

Flooded, tremors

Breathe... can't breathe.

Where has hope gone?

Deal with it.

Awaiting the arrival

Tainted by discomfort

Silenced by emptiness

Where hath thy saviour gone?

M a n [G] o

2006-2007

2009-01-13T23:46:00.002-05:00

I believe that was one of the worst school years for us. I was re-reading some of our older posts on different sites, and I realized just how immature and troubled we were. Myself and two others felt rejected, another was constantly trying to be the optimist... I developped a bad habit, someone had their first experience (and that in itself caused quite a number of arguments). While reading these things, I couldn't believe that we were basically telling each other off in the form of an online journal. Now, I find it to be comical, but at the time I'm sure we only made matters worse. Most of those posts were made almost exactly 2 years ago in the beginning of 2007. We were so self-absorbed. Always paranoid and frustrated about being the subject (or lack thereof) of someone's journal, we really took everything personally. Our issues were very real, very painful, and very meaningful, but for some reason we would make them worse. They would be over-exagerated because we absolutely wanted to belong and to have our own place in whatever kind of geometrical shape we had created. Take this for example:

March 6th 2007

Then there's also the fact that today i felt horribly left out, and im sure that Roxas shares my feelings about this. How would you feel if you had been so excited about going somewhere with some friends and then at the last minute one of them tells you that they changed the date without telling you? They didn't warn you that they would be going tomorrow... so you and one other friend had to miss out on a fun day because the others decided not to call. It sucks! Yeah but there's always a way to get revenge isn't there?

All that for an outing to China Town that didn't work out as we had planned. I remember being pissed off to the highest extent and for what? It seems now like nothing. We could've gone to China Town whenever we saw fit, or scheduled another date, but instead we pouted and were in a sour mood.

Seeing the way we wrote is slightly depressing and also slightly amusing. Depressing in the way that we caused so much trouble between each other because of what we decided to show publicly and amusing in the way that we were just so ridiculous! We couldn't see a bigger picture. What we saw was "me, myself and I". (Those involved can give their opinions on my opinion.) I believe that we've now changed in a sense. Yes we still have our petty arguments and we still have issues sometimes with things that should and should not be said, but it's not as bad. Only 2 years have passed, and yet I still believe that we have grown quite some bit. (But it will probably always seem that way as we get older.)

Wow... We've come quite some way... Things had been getting better, and yet, I still feel a slight regression. Very slight, and I will not discuss the matter. Instead, I will hope that things fix themselves before they become irrepairable.

M a n [G] o

There's Alarming Doubt

2009-01-12T10:09:00.006-05:00

I've been sick a lot this past week. Something's going inside me, probably not good, and mom thinks that I should go see the doctor. Gahh... But it takes forever to get an appointement with my doctor! >< If it was just a sore throat or headaches, I could deal. But, I have an issue with constantly having stomach aches. Everyone knows how terrible that can get because no one is immuned to it. It happens to them every now and again. Now, imagine, twice a day, almost every day. Yeah... Welcome to my misery.

Also, things are becoming even more touchy between my mom and myself. I'm always on my toes trying to tip-toe my way around her so as to avoid an eventual slaughter. Lying to her isn't something that I enjoy, and if I could, I would tell her the truth. I would tell her about Emmanuel, his age, his life... everything. But quite frankly, I'm unable to do so because I know that there's no way in hell that she would ever understand or even think to consider that I know what I'm doing and that I'm not being taken advantage of. I would love for her to hear that I mean the world to him and that he is changing thanks to me. It's been 9 days since he last smoked weed and he's slowing the cigarettes as well. He's gentle with me and very cautious, but to make her understand that, I'd have to speak of my past encounters with boys and explain their "not-so-gentleness". Everything seems unusually difficult when it comes to her. Then again, I doubt I'll be able to tell my dad about this either. Not yet anyways... He may be understanding of most things, but I don't think that he'll love me very much if I told him about this. He wouldn't be proud of me anymore, that's certain...

I got a letter from my College congratulating me for having passed all my courses. In each class I am above the average, which is great in my opinion. When I calculated the overall average of all my classes, it came to something like 79,2%. That in itself may not be excellent, but I was happy with it. My mother said: "Well, that's alright, but I'm sure that there were quite many that were above you." "There probably were some above me, but when you look at the average, you see that most were beneath me." "When I was in College, I was always one of the tops of my classes." "Good thing you studied in English, I wonder what would've happened if you'd studied in a language that wasn't your forte." "You did your high school in French." "So? Look, I'm happy so why can't you be?" "I am happy." "But you just... AH forget it!" She drives me insane... Things will be better once I leave.

M a n [G] o

Every Foolish Dream

2009-01-07T20:32:00.003-05:00

I haven't the slightest idea of what went on during these past couple weeks... Well, perhaps a slight idea. I probably have the slightest idea... [lol Kiwii xD] Something very strange happened! I suppose that I what I felt towards F-O was just a very strong friendship because I soon as my first meeting with Manu was over, things inside my mind and in my heart were drastically changed. Something was wrong, but it just felt right. He makes me feel right. Now, I hope that no one will get me wrong, F-O does make me feel very good and I still enjoy to the fullest every occasion that I have to spend with him, but I realize that it shouldn't be more than that. He's my best guy friend now and I expect that it will stay this way no matter what!

As for Manu, I suppose that I've never felt this way about someone before. Also, for once, I don't feel as though I'm rushing things. I am confident and I really want this to work, as does he. I don't feel as though I should be worrying about what I'm going to be thinking in 2 weeks because I believe that it'll be the same as it is now. He seems to be getting along swimmingly with my friends and that's always a good sign. It's now been 5 days since the last time he smoked weed, which for him is seeming like an eternity, but he tells me that it's all worth it and that he wants very much to stop. And now that he has me, he has all the more reason to do so since he knows what I think about that. [I'm not full of myself! xD I quoted exactly the words that he had said to me!] He is also able to lift me up... but that's an entirely different matter! =P

Tomorrow calls for celebration! Finally the 3rd Smash Fest!! [At least, I believe it's the 3rd one... xD] I have to remember to bring my camera along with me! ^___^ We'll see who will be champion this time! RAWR!! Mango is pumped and ready to take anyone on! >3

Other news, the new cd from The Killers is really, REALLY good!! I love it!

M a n [G] o

If It's Not Rough It Isn't Fun

2008-12-31T19:34:00.002-05:00

Last night was the greatest VdeV in the history of the three previous ones. I'm rather certain that everyone enjoyed themselves and also that they were glad to be able to see each other again. All of the planned activities went really well and we didn't have much trouble getting everyone involved. Also, we had plenty of food [a lot of which is still in my basement]! The karaoke was even more ridiculously silly and crazy than I had expected. Everyone sang and that's what made it so special to me. Not to mention that we couldn't have finished with a better song. [I will always love you! hahahaha! Too funny] I should've asked my mom what she thought of our, in my opinion, almost atrocious singing.... xD Even though I know that only two of those present out of twenty read my blog, I still want to thank everyone for showing up and being so fun to be with! I'd also like to thank them for not having made any messes! I didn't think it was possible, so I was proved wrong! What a memorable party that was... Really, it only makes me more excited for next year's party! hehe!

Next on the list of things to say: Mr. Flamingo never did end up coming back two days ago... u_u I am sad, but it'll only make things that much better when he does come home! ^__^ I want to see what the new colour in his hair is going to look like!

Anyways, happy New Year's to everyone a few hours in advance, best wishes for 2009! [Happy birthday to Etinoroy!] Personally, I am extremely happy with the way 2008 was played out. Graduating from high school, starting College, meeting some of the coolest people ever, further understanding myself, forgiving my dad... all these things I won't ever forget! Hoora! =]

M a n [G] o

Hold My Hand Inside Your Hand

2008-12-28T12:43:00.004-05:00

I miss him. Tomorrow is the 29th, and if all goes well, he'll be home and he'll call.

A couple of days ago, on Christmas day, I went to my twin's house for supper (which was amusing as usual even though she was dead tired xD). As a gift, she bought me some cute socks, arm socks as I like to call them, and a black shirt. At first, I wasn't too happy with the fit of the shirt when I got home because it just looked big and shapeless, but then I thought of what she had said when she gave it to me: "I know it's simple, but I know that you'll be able to dress it up." So, I got creative a little bit and tried to put as much "me" into it as possible. I must say, I myself am impressed with what I did. (Haha I know what I'm going to wear to the VdeV! x3 ) Anyways, that was my moment to feel good about myself... I'll stop before I'm taken for someone egocentric and full of herself.

--You raise me up so I can stand on moutains. You raise me up to walk on stormy seas. I am strong when I am on your shoulders. You raise me up to more than I can be.--

Later on, I'll be heading to the mall with my mom to exchange the photoshop that she bought. It was pretty funny when I told her that she had bought it for Mac. But then again, had she not bought it for Mac, I most likely would not have noticed that it wasn't the right photoshop until the box had been opened and it would've been too late. Close call! We're also going to purchase either Guitar Hero World Tour or Rock Band for the Wii. We received the first of those two games from my dad, but seeing as we're not there often and how much we enjoy it, we're going to get it for here as well. Living in two seperate homes can be quite simple and easy when you start buying everything that you love in double! Haha. It would be even better and easier if you could make double the money at the same time! If life were like that, you wouldn't need... haha I watch too much television. xD

I think that Cegep may have changed me. Yes, I am aware that I still complain about things in general, but to be honest, I am very happy. I made really great friends that love me for me and who care about me for real. [Don't worry my sistas you will always be the greatest!] I love life. Yes. Indeed. Hoora. [Hehe]

M a n [G] o

I'm Human After All

2008-12-23T23:33:00.004-05:00

This past weekend was by far the best that I've had in quite some time. Not only did I get to spend time with my wonderful Flamingo, Chico and other friends, I also was able to see my three best friends/ sisters. We haven't been together, just the four of us, for a seemingly long time. Most likely a little over a month... It felt amazing to talk freely about everything and to bitch (pardon the language) about things that were frustrating us. An immense load was lifted from me when I was able to talk about people in my entourage that I couldn't deal with. They know those people as much as I do and understand their self-centeredness and hypocricy which we each find equally annoying, and as such, venting made me feel much better.

In 5 days, he'll be back...

In 6 days, it's the V de V

In 7 days, I'll be having a blast with my twin.

In 8 days, it'll be 2009 and I will be one step closer to being 18. I have no idea why I'm excited at the thought of it. Yes, I will officially be legal and an adult (even though I'm sure no one will believe me) but I'm depressed by the thought that it won't change anything. I will still be treated as child and not benefit of further freedoms. I'm annoyed by how many people are able to sleep at a friend's house, whether it be a girl or a guy and that it's forbidden to me (where guys are concerned). If the person is only a friend, I don't understand what the problem is. And even if that person were to be more, at my age, is it really a big deal? Most have done much more than I have by now and so, would it not be normal? Then again, if my parents truly knew me, there wouldn't even be an issue... A week ago, I came back from a party at around 2:30 in the morning and my mom, a day later, decided that she didn't like that and suddenly there was talk of my curfew being at midnight. I have never had a curfew! Why now that I'm almost 18 is she telling me that I've always had a midnight curfew? It's bullshit. There would've been no fuss had I been at a girl's party. She said that I should've left earlier, even if the cake hadn't been served and the gifts hadn't been opened. What the fuck? Am I 13 years old? Am I a drug-addicted, sex-crazed 17 year old with bullshit grades? Last time I checked, I wasn't. Last time I checked, I hated all of those characteristics and would rather jump off a bridge than be associated to that kind of behaviour. I'm not like that. I'm not. I'm not. I'M NOT! This may not seem like such a big issue for some, but for me, it's huge. I feel so bad about myself because my own mother doesn't trust me and thinks that I do things to spite her. My goal, in her mind, is to spite and make her miserable, whereas she couldn't have it more backwards. Living for others is difficult. Living for your parents is simply suicidal and I'm heading straight for the nuce. It's a nightmare. I love my mom with all my heart, and I want nothing more than for her to be happy with who I am and realize that she doesn't have a bad girl. I hate this... a lot. I hate being this sentimental.

In 7 days, I'll be having a blast with my twin.

In 6 days, it'll be the V de V.

In 5 days, he'll be back...

M a n [G] o

In case the time is messed up or something, it is 12:48 a.m and so today is officially the 24th of December.

I'm sorry, I am

2008-12-17T14:04:00.005-05:00

I've been writing this letter

For a couple of months now

And right now

What I wanna do

Is I wanna express this letter

To you

It goes like this

Your eyes

They flow

From all the pain I caused

I lost my cause

I only broke your heart

Alone I cry

I tried so hard to break you

I love you

I hate you

Why wont you let me go?

I, I feel the raindrops fall

These tears wont take you away,

I'm sorry

I, I hear the thunder scream

It's screaming out for me,

I'm sorry

The rain it drips the rain drops dripping (x8)

The rain drops down

Your eyes

They flow

From all the pain I caused

I lost my cause

I only broke your heart

Alone I cry

I tried so hard to break you

I love you

I hate you

Why wont you let me go?

The rain will follow me, I feel like I can't breathe, I'm sorry

I fell asleep again, when will this tempest end, I'm sorry

I, I dreamt that you were here, lying next to me,

I'm sorry

I, I finally realised that I fucked up your life,

So I'm sorry

I'd die tonight

If only you were here

I'd tell you I'm sorry

I'd fucking disappear

Betrayed,

You look so pretty now

Without me

Alone

The tears come crashing down.

By Brokencyde

M a n [G] o

If you feel as though you know who I'm talking about...

...you're most likely terribly wrong

My Feet Won't Touch the Ground

2008-12-12T21:05:00.004-05:00

One more sprint... Only a few more days left of restless, almost sleepless nights... My head constantly feels like it weighs more than the rest of my body. That and I keep getting these terrible pains behind my eye. I haven't mentioned to anyone yet... I'm waiting to see of they pass once I'm done with the stress of exams and such. *Sigh*

Things are seeming irrepairable between Diego and myself. Perhaps because I no longer feel that I should waste my time trying to make things work with him... He's tossed me around emotionally and I'm starting to doubt his authenticity. There is something not right about his whole being. He's known me for to months. Actually, known that I existed, for I truly believe that he knows not a thing about me other than what I let off on the surface. He believes I'm this kind of perfect person, a godess sitting high above everyone else, and that's profoundly screwing with me emotionally. He says that he isn't pressuring me to live up to this standard of perfection that he's laid out before me. How blind can one be? I sometimes contemplate giving him my blog and letting him read it. I wonder what kind of opinion he'd have of me then... Haha. Maybe he'd be shocked. I'd love to see his reaction if he was. On the other hand, I was hoping that he would call me today so that I could tell him Chico's party tomorrow. I'd love to see his reaction to that too. I don't particularly enjoy having these many cruel thoughts, but I don't much enjoy being toyed with either. There is something wrong about him and not being certain of what it is is scaring me to the slightest degree. I am intimidated in a way... Gah... >_>

I can't wait for tomorrow to come... I need something positive to take my mind off things... I'm so frustrated...

M a n [G] o

Horrible Nightmare Visions

2008-11-30T20:25:00.003-05:00

*Sigh*

~~~~~~~~~

The breeze was rather cold. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad had I not been so very underdressed. I stood there, shivering, praying to God that we'd be leaving soon to warm ourselves in the bus. The other two that were waiting with me were holding each other so close that I began to feel terribly awkward. They were holding hands and kissing and the "I love you's" just kept coming... I really dislike public displays of affection.

"Look uhm... I think I'm going to go wait at the bus stop... Meet me there after." I turned around. They were staring at each other almost longingly. I sighed. They hadn't heard me. Too bad. I walked off.

"Where are you going?" I finally heard one call to me.

"The bus."

"What?"

"THE BUS!"

I quickened my pace. I didn't want to hear them anymore.

At the bus stop, all was silent. There was no one around and I felt slightly relieved to finally have some time to think without the sound of lips touching to distract my train of thoughts. I sat on the bench and turned my head ever so slightly so as to see the cars turning towards the school, hoping to glimpse the boy's father's car. It took about 10 minutes. And a couple minutes later, I saw it leave the school. I could've sworn that I'd seen my friend sitting in the back seat of the car, but I shrugged it off. She wouldn't do that to me.

So, I waited. Ten minutes passed and she still hadn't joined me. She would... I swallowed my frustration as the bus turned the corner and made its way over to me. Finally...

The door opened. I entered. It was empty. I went to sit as far back as I could and stared aimlessly at the window. I wanted to cry. My temper was getting the best of me and the tears were burning my eyes. Damnit!

A few bus stops passed, and then, that's when they came in... All ten of them. I wiped the tears from my eyes and lowered my music. I don't even know why I had hoped that they wouldn't come to the back. Obviously, they would. And they did.

I was surrounded and all I could do was try to be as invisible as possible. Easier said than done when you're the only girl in the bus.

"What're you listening to?"

Ignore... Stare out the window...

"I'm talking to you!"

"Look will you just fuck off and have fun with your fellas!"

Bad temper... bad, bad temper...

"Ooooh"

They crooned. I couldn't believe how much trouble I had just gotten myself into.

"You best watch your mouth and pick your battles wisely Girly."

"You better shut yours and leave me alone."

Gahhh.... Stop talking! Just stop talking!

The leader of the gang of idiots looked at me and smiled menacingly. I hadn't known what that meant... but God do I know now...

He mumbled something to other losers that I didn't catch and then the rest of the ride, they all sat silent. Oh fuck...

Time seemed to pass at a terrifyingly slow pace, and when we finally arrived at the subway station, I couldn't help but sigh in relief. But of course, I sighed too soon.

As soon as I stood, one of them grabbed me and placed his hand over my mouth. I struggled... until I felt the sharp edge of a blade nestled against my neck. Yep... That calmed me right the hell down.

A couple of them got off first and the rest after. They strategically placed themselves around the one holding me so as to camouflage my very existence in the center of that circle. I was terrified. My whole body was shaking and I could feel the knife touching my skin. There was no escape route for me as I was forced further from the subway station and towards an ominous dark vehicle. One of them opened the rear door and I was thrown in. The leader climbed in with me and closed the door.

"You should've just told me what you were listening to Smart Ass."

"Go. To. Hell." He hit me.

I suppose you can guess the rest? It starts with R and rimes with Ape.

When he was done, he redressed me and pulled out his knife. I struggled and tried to push him away, but I'm no kind of fighter. Quick stabs of pain... Four, five, six of them... And then I was thrown out of the car and left to die.

Gasping for air, I couldn't scream. The pain was far too great and my vision already was fuzzy. I stumbled all the way back to subway station, blood flowing like a stream in a storm from my body and I finally fainted when I was certain that someone had seen me.

Obviously, the wounds didn't kill me. Inside though, for the longest while, I felt dead. I felt betrayed.

My friends all came to see me together and I was truly gracious, but there was one to whom I could not speak. She cried and she begged, but I couldn't open my mouth to say anything. I didn't completely blame her, since I knew that it was my own quick mouth that got me into trouble, but I couldn't help but remember that she had left me. She had gone with the love of her life and left me in the cold.

After being discharged, I went home, and I stayed there. I barely moved from the corner on the floor and I wouldn't eat. I was mad at myself for being so mad and unforgiving. I was sick of myself and my behavior.

I wanted to say that it was ok. But I couldn't because it wasn't. Not anymore. After a while, she stopped calling...

I wanted to forgive... I want to forgive... I can't. I die inside. Goodbye.

~~~~~~~~~

M a n [G] o

Going Nowhere Fast

2008-11-27T20:45:00.003-05:00

Dear Mr. Flamingo,

It's strange. Lately, no matter how many projects I realize I have to start and no matter how many times things get scary between myself and my mother, as soon as I see you, everything bad gets washed away. I can't not smile when I'm with you. I feel as though winter won't be as unbearable this year simply because I'm lucky enough to have you nearby... I don't have to worry about busses not passing, or the roads being iced over... all I have to think of is: "Which way to I feel like walking to get there this time?" Everything just seems to work. I love your home, I love your parents, I love... just being around you. Friends like you, so accepting and so easy to talk to, are terribly hard to come by. For all these years, I never even knew you existed. I think to myself now: "God... what would've happened had I not met you?" It's cool that we think so much alike. It makes the friendship that much easier to develop! =]

I want to fall asleep as soon as possible so that time brings me a few steps closer to seeing you on the bus tomorrow morning... You're like, the bright pink sun that glows and brightens up my sulky school hours. Haha!

You're amazing Mr. Flamingo! >3

Sincerely yours,

M a n [G] o

Alley The Scientist

2008-11-17T21:23:00.003-05:00

Hehe. I've found myself a slightly jealous bunny. It's cute because it means that he cares. I find it funny because he now believes that everyone is looking at me. xD On Friday, we're going to the movies with a bunch of friends and he wanted to take the bus back home with me. Thing is, I told him that one of the people that was going to be there lived two streets down from me and most likely would've walked home with me anyways but he didn't seem too keen about that idea... He's worried that my friend, F.O is his name, is somehow interested, which is completely ridiculous! xD Anyways, I told him that he could take me home if he really wanted but that it really wasn't necessary and I suppose that he has every intention of doing so. I'm not certain if I would've rather he come with me or not. I don't want him to get all crazy protective or jealous because I know that F.O and I are like affection monkeys and we're always being silly and I don't want that to be misinterpreted. -___- Oh life... right?

M a n [G] o

P.S Kiwii check this pic out! xD

Eyes On Fire

2008-11-15T20:08:00.003-05:00

I’ll seek you out,

Flay you alive

One more word and you won’t survive

And I’m not scared of your stolen power

I see right through you any hour

I won’t soothe your pain

I won’t ease your strain

You’ll be waiting in vain

I got nothing for you to gain

I’m taking it slow

Feeding my flame

Shuffling the cards of your game

And just in time

In the right place

Suddenly I will play my ace

I won’t soothe your pain

I won’t ease your strain

You’ll be waiting in vain

I got nothing for you to gain

Eyes on fire

Your spine is ablaze

Felling any foe with my gaze

And just in time

In the right place

Steadily emerging with grace

Felling any foe with my gaze

Steadily emerging with grace

Felling any foe with my gaze

Steadily emerging with grace

M a n [G] o

Navigate Me Through Your Body

2008-11-05T19:34:00.004-05:00

I've been having these weird thoughts lately... Like... is any of this for real, or not?

I started a new game on the first Kingdom Hearts. O__O I couldn't believe how long it had been and how well the graphics had improved! Even the opening theme song graphics seem almost mediocre! xD Random, I know. Thing is, we are now down to two televisions at my dad's place, one in his room, the other in the basement. Figures the one in the basement no one longer has a cable so I can't watch t.v and I was too frustrated about forgetting yet again to go and look on the internet as to where to find orichalcum and orichalcum+. (I'm pretty sure I spelt those wrong. >D)

Other, more important news...: I saw Diego yesterday! ^___^ We went shopping together and he bought me the Jungle Book. xD He is really great. At least, that's what I think now. Who knows? Maybe in a few weeks I'll be pissed off and rather touchy on the subject of him but I don't so much care for the future at the moment. All that matters is the present and I intend to live the present without being fearful of x and y or z because they are only letters that represent the unknown and if you spend too much time fearing them, you can't appreciate what you have, that is, by no means, a random letter. I like to believe that I won't freak out as much as I usually do... Heh. We'll see how long it lasts. Any bets?

He just called and invited me to his sister's birthday on Saturday, but I highly doubt it'll be possible. It would mean explaining EVERYTHING to my dad which I'd rather not just yet. I'm almost certain that he won't be cross with me about it, but it's still too soon for me to tell him. I have to find the right way to bring it up...

Anyways! Obama won the elections, hip hip hooray! And that's as far as I go on the subject. The 4th of November was truly a good day huh? =P

M a n [G] o

You Are Reaching Something That Is Beating

2008-11-01T21:06:00.002-04:00

I had a reasonably good week... It may have been longer and more jam packed with projects and homework than I would've tolerated, but all in all, I really enjoyed it. For one thing, I was able to spend a lot more time with Meelyn than what I normally do. It was really great of her to introduce some of her new friends to me. Especially F.O! He's the cutest guy I've ever met! xD (I don't mean physically, I mean personality-wise.) He may have a VERY original style, and I must admit that at first I thought he was just crazy, but these past few days, him, me and Meelyn have been having pretty serious conversations and it's cool that he takes everything seriously and doesn't have a pre-conceived judgement on what you're going to say. I was very surprised to hear him speak about such grave topics. I hope that the friendship lasts more than just the week! xD

On a different note, I'm going to meet with Diego on Tuesday. I am truly nervous! ^_^"" I'm not sure what to expect (as usual xD) I'll see if there's any flare, if not, no use in dragging things on pointlessly... Guess we'll see in a few days!

M a n [G] o

Some Things are Better Left Unsaid

2008-10-27T18:49:00.002-04:00

The title says it all doesn't it?

One thing is certain though, I can't wait to see him...

M a n [G] o

It's a Chance to Make Mistakes

2008-10-23T19:39:00.004-04:00

"Creo que nunca me puedo cansar de decir que tu
nombre es precioso..." --Diego <3

I don't think that I could ever get tired of repeating that phrase in my head either. He asked me last night if I was patient and I said yes, and yet Saturday now seems an eternity away. That phone call seems decades away and yet I'm sure that it will most likely be worth the wait. I don't usually drag my cell phone around with me in the house on the weekends, but it will be a special day. I'm almost trembling in excitement!

On a side note, Jake is no longer an issue. I think he may have blocked me. O_O Too bad. He lived too far away anyways. Hehe.

Back to business, next week, I have an oral debate with Andrea. We decided to be against gay marriage (which is the most ridiculous decision we've ever made because we're 100% pro gay marriage and now we have to write a relatively long essay about being against it... yay... xD)

I can't wait for Saturday to come!

M a n [G] o

I love you Dad

2008-10-15T22:31:00.002-04:00

I just got back from a long chat with my dad in a restaurant somewhere over cake and milk (milk because I don't drink tea or coffee). I realize now just how wrong I had been to say those horrible things about him. My dad is not mean and careless as I have so long described him as. Yes, he has missed out on a big part of my life and that of my brothers as well, but it wasn't because he didn't care, it was, all on the contrary, because he did.

I should've taken the time to have this talk with him a while ago, and I can't believe that, had we not had this talk, I would've childishly and selfishly continued to believe that he didn't care and that money was all that was important to him. He's right. Family always comes first. I had blindly taken in all the terrible things that she had said without taking the time to think things through and analyse everything to see just how logical and credible her story was. I really needed to hear my dad's side of the story and that made everything better in my mind. Of'course I still think that my dad was wrong to do some things, that's the way it always will be, but he wasn't completely in the wrong. I appreciate to the highest extent that he took the time today to truly explain the situation to me. He never really has been one to tell me about everything that's going on, but now it's clear that he realizes just how vital it is that he tells me these things because I need to know.

I love him so much. He told me that he spent a lot more time with Liam because he was worried about him. As soon as he said that, I felt terribly selfish. I worry about him a lot too. He's not doing very well at school, not because he's stupid, but simply because he doesn't believe in himself and he doesn't feel that he has the potentiel to do anything with his life. It's obvious that school upsets him and probably even depresses him, and that depresses me because I've seen the way people can turn out when they lack that self-confidence. I never want to see my brother in that kind of situation. I don't want him to come home high or drunk one day before he turns sixteen. I don't want to hear him say that he quit school. I want him to follow the path that he currently wishes to follow. I can imagine him perfectly as a fire fighter. He's cut out for that job because it demands a lot of responsability and I know that he can do it. He's capable of such great things and I just wish that he could realize that for himself and not keep getting upset with school and lying about it.

I hope that my dad will be right and find a way to make Liam see his potential.

Once more, I love you Dad.

M a n [G] o

You're not Pretty Anymore

2008-10-11T00:04:00.004-04:00

Today was rather rough. The fact that I conveniently forgot my cell phone on my bookshelf didn't help much. It threw me off and I felt horribly disoriented. Also, I had absolutely no social contact at school today. That was not amusing.

Another strange happening of my day: I somewhat accidentally skipped class. I was exhausted, I thought that my class started at 2h15 whereas it had started at 1h30. I knew that I was too late to go and knock on the door, so I just left. I was depressed after for reasons unkown after that. I felt really horrible about missing class.

So, after leaving, I walked over to the bus terminus and waited for the bus there for almost a half hour. Naively, I took a bus as soon as possible thinking that Cow would be back shortly after I arrived. Deception. xD I ended up waiting for quite some time. It's alright though. I took some pictures and listened to music, so my time was not spent in vain.

Had you yet to guess, I did indeed go to Cow's place after school. I really needed to see her again. I had lots to say that felt extraordinary when it was finally off my chest. Sorta... Anyways, that was my day.

I managed to ask Richard for his msn yesterday. Fun. Thing is, the interest is gone. I guess I overreacted again. *Sigh. No one can live up to you I guess... That reminds me, I miss Micky. I wish he was mine.

It's weird to see that someone you once believed to be so pretty in her own way become so unbelievably unattractive in so little time. Oh well I guess. Stuff happens. People change.

I'm going to see my beloved twin on Sunday. I smell drama. Her boyfriend will be present. Maybe he'll lay off if I tell him that I'm only interested in girls. Hmm... Please don't shudder in disgust and fear of the thought. It's just to calm him down. It's not true... or is it? Hehe. I doubt I'll be able to tell him off, so we'll just see what kind of mood I'm in this weekend! ^.-

M a n [G] o

Move Along

2008-10-06T12:00:00.005-04:00

I love that song. I hadn't heard it in a rather long time and I realize just how good it really is. [Even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through.]

It truly is important to just move along. You can't allow things to bother you forever, and if it means keeping your distance, so be it. If that's what helps you get rid of the things that tear you apart, it's worth it. It will make you stronger. Then, you'll be able to work things through and make them better.

I need to think things through because for the moment, I can't think of what to do and it's sucking the strength right out of me. Every time I talk about it, my eyelids get heavy and my thoughts turn to mush. (I'm serious, you could suck them out with a straw! xD)

All in all, I just need a moment to really take things in and deal with change and figure out a way to show just what it is that is bothering me. I'll do it. I don't plan on throwing anything away, and I don't want it to disappear just because I'm too messed up to open my mouth. I love you even if we never hug! =p

Before I forget, I met a guy in my German class named Richard, and honestly, I've never met anyone like him. I know I don't really know him, but my first impression was better than any I've ever had before for anyone! I suppose it's time to bring out the old fishing rod! The last fish I caught didn't end up being right, but that's because I took too long to gut it and examine it and find out what kind of fish it really was. This time, I plan to gut it over and over again, and then be it's friend and then eat it! [Haha! That's so bad and not philosophical but who cares? xD]

I'm coming to terms with the fact that she's leaving. I'm going to miss her, but I don't plan on losing her from my sight. She means too much to me for that! <3

Also, twice this week two of my friends have randomly told me that I was pretty... I don't think they realize just how much that meant to me and how much it helped me get through the rest of my week. You are also among the prettiest people I know. I love you all and I'm glad I got to see both of you Neko-Chan and my twin.

As for you Cow, you know it's always a pleasure to see you! It was great that you and Chval came over! =] Although, we basically sat all 3 of us on the small couch in the basement and didn't really do anything, it felt nice to be so close again.

It's too bad the photo-shoot thing never worked out with you Kiwii. I would've liked to take new pics with you. I also think it would've helped to change the atmosphere. ^^" [I owe you a letter.]

M a n [G] o

Wow...

2008-09-22T21:56:00.001-04:00

You know... I never would've expected it. I hoped it would never happen...

M a n [G] o

Bite My Lips

2008-09-18T20:38:00.002-04:00

This fatigue, a constant headache, the solitude, not only does it hurt, it's tampering with my writing capabilities. For a few days now I've often the page of my blog, stared at it for a long moment waiting for the inspiration to write something, and it would never come. I can't think of the last time I wrote a happy entry. It's as if that part of me is in hiding. I can't fake it anymore, or at least, not for now. Oh how I wish I could. I miss the times when I could fool myself. Fake it 'til you make it, right? Wrong. More like, fake it 'til it kills you and you die believing that you were happy... or not.

I'm not sure what it is that I'm looking for, nor am I certain of what I'm longing for, but I know that there's something missing. Something important. I feel lost. It's a terrible feeling that only comes at night though... *Sigh* Anyways... I have to stop here. This is starting to surpass my mind and heading towards my heart... That's the last place I want to go right now.

M a n [G] o

Pain Some Upon Inflict Me

2008-09-13T22:46:00.008-04:00

That morning was normal, just as all the others had been for quite some time. There was no warning, no obvious sign to prepare me for what I was going to experience that day. Nothing. Still, looking back, I wonder if I could have prepared myself for it even if there had been some sort of way for me to see it coming...

That morning, my cell phone had rung with such persistence, I couldn't have ignored it much more than I could have ignored the unusually loud television down in the living room. Strange... I was sure that I had told my brother not to watch it so loud on the weekends.

I answered groggily, my voice was never very comprehensible in the mornings.

"Hello?"

"Hey, did I wake you?"

"I would've gotten up anyways."

It was my mother. That was also something that I wish I had seen coming, maybe then I wouldn't have answered my phone.

"Is your brother awake?"

"The volume on the t.v pretty much says all."

"It's that loud?"

"Do you really have to ask?"

"No need to get snappy."

"Well, next time your phone plus the horrible sound of violent cartoons wakes you up, tell me that I shouldn't be snappy."

She hung up on me. I guess it's safe to say that our relationship recently had been rather touchy. It was nothing that particularly alarmed me. I had gotten used to it over time. Part of my day to day life... It was better when he was still here. At least then, I'd have someone to talk to. When he disappeared, my self-esteem and capacity to express myself left along with him.

I knew that I should go check on my brother. I knew that he was probably hungry and would want for me to make him something to eat. I knew that the only reason why he hadn't come to my room to wake me already was because he was far too nice and understanding, even though he had not the slightest idea of what was going on with me. And still, I stayed in my bed and tried desperately to back to sleep. Long gone seemed the time since which I'd last had a dream. It was more like drifting in unconsciousness then sleeping. In all honesty, I felt numb when I slept, and I no longer felt the pain. Being awake only made me remember him and remember all the things that he had done for me before he disappeared.

Finally, about an hour later, I rolled out of my bed and fell on the floor. It seemed that would be the only way for me to truly wake up.

I took the steps two at a time as I went to greet my brother. It had been unfair of me to stay in my bed when I knew that he needed me... I felt guilty.

He was lying on his back, still on the couch. He didn't even flinch when I called out his name. Concerned, I walked at a quicker pace towards him. The television seemed to be malfunctioning as I could still see the volume bar, exceeding by far whatever was supposed to be the norme, and I went to turn it off before finally turning to face him.

His eyes were closed, he didn't seem to be breathing. I rushed over and shook him, still his eyes would not open. I tried everything from the mouth to mouth to trying to get his heart to beat, but to no avail. I didn't understand. The tears were streaming down my face, and still I couldn't fathom why he wasn't staring up at me with his innocent smile as he always did when he saw me. I couldn't comprehend why his heart had stopped beating. The connections were not being made in my head, and it took me a while to notice that the back door was broken and that someone was standing right outside of it, staring intently in my direction.

All I could do was stare back. I was in shock. I was slowly putting the pieces together, and even if they seemed to fit, at the same time, they just seemed so wrong.

Why would he be here? He was supposed to be gone. He had disappeared. Why was he here?My whole body was shaking violently. I was torn between running towards him to hug him and grabbing the biggest knife in the kitchen to slit his throat.

I couldn't read his expression. He seemed as hesitant as I was in choosing a course of action.

"I'm sorry", he finally mumbled and then he disappeared... again.

Just then, my mother walked through the front door. Seeing the tears rolling down my face, and my brother motionless on the sofa, she raced over towards us, pushed me away and did the same things that I had done to try and bring him back. I fell backwards and immediatly brought my knees up to my body and hugged them. An invisible wall appeared around me and blocked out the sound of my mother's sobs. Next thing I remember, I was lying in a hospital bed all alone in an empty room.

My head was throbbing, the pain was surreal. I sat up, most likely quicker than I should have. A horrible dizziness overcame me and I instinctively held my head in my hands to try and calm the feeling that the room was spinning out of control. The memories all seemed to rush at me at once and I cried out in pain.

I could see myself lying in bed as the back door was being broken into. I could see myself lying in bed as my little brother tried to scream and warn me, but was cut short when he rushed towards him, grabbed him by the neck, blocked his wind pipes...

I shook my head, hoping that the images would shake away as well, but they continued.

I saw him, he had placed my brother back on the sofa on his back and closed his eyes. He had then come upstairs, entered my room, he had even hesitated next to my bed before rushing out and running back the way he had come, only to wait for me outside. That's when I had woken up and come downstairs...

The shock of it all, the agony, was overwhelming. I wanted to kill myself over and over again for not having been there for my brother. Had I gotten up after my mother called me... Had I not been such a sloth... I would've seen him and he wouldn't have hurt my brother. I could've hugged him and then everything would have been alright.

My mother walked in out of nowhere, startling me. I expected her to be mad. I expected her to simply look at me with hatred and disdain, but she didn't. She said nothing, but she hugged me. And that's when the water works began. I couldn't stop my crying, nor could I bring myself to tell her that I knew who it was that had killed my brother...

I haven't spoken a word since then, nor have I seen him. All the things that have been kept bottled up are now too much for me to handle. I just want to forget. I want to forget that my brother was hurt because of my foolishness. I want to forget that my mother had not been mad whereas I had wished that she would yell at me. But most of all, I want to forget that I still love him...

All that's left for me is to topple over the chair that's underneath me and it will all be over and done with. Then, I will be able to join my beloved brother and make him the breakfast that he should've had that morning, and forget all about him. Nothing could have prepared me for what had happened that day... But, I was very much prepared for what was about to happen today. A tiny swing was all it would take.

Ready... Set...

~~~~~~~~

M a n [G] o

The Pain Never Really Goes Away

2008-09-11T21:06:00.003-04:00

Currently, "So You Think You Can Dance" is playing. To be honest, it's not captivating my full attention, but I'm sure that's only because I have my computer in front of me. In all truth, I should be looking something up for whatever project thing my language teachers wants to do tomorrow. The mayan art... The subject is interesting, I'm just too tired to read about it and retain the information. The fact that I have to remember it in french isn't helping either...

Something odd happened this morning. I was sitting and watching t.v., nothing dramatic or anything of the sort, and I just had moments where I could feel the tears burning my eyes. They were ready to stream down my face for absolutely no reason. I held them back. I don't want to go around crying for absolutely nothing. It's ridiculous.

I find it funny how easy it is to fake that I'm alright. I'm sure that if I went on without saying anything to anyone, no one would notice. Some of my closest friends don't even seem to notice... No big deal I guess. It's not something that you can ask or expect of someone. "Can you please take the time of day to notice that I'm not always ok?" How wrong does that sound? xD I have yet to reach my breaking point again, hopefully it won't be as painful as last time. ^__^"

Well, the show is done... I suppose that I should get to reading for tomorrow... I really don't feel like it... It's terribly depressing! >_<

Goodnight! ^__^

M a n [G] o

The little things give you away

2008-09-07T19:07:00.002-04:00

Last night, I got upset with my mom, but I kept my mouth shut.

I had gone to her house yesterday to watch movies and such, which came with a very pleasant surprise! Chval stopped by almost out of nowhere! =] (Well, she called first, but it was still unexpected!) We had rented two movies, one of which didn't work, and the other one I believe we all found a little too long. Not bad, just long.

So, after the movie had finished, I took a bus home. Upon arrival, I had said hello, made myself a sandwich, and brought a game down for my brother. Because we only have one wii-mote, I decided to bring my computer to the basement so that I would be in the same room as my brother and so that my mom could not complain about no "family-time". About an hour later, she came down and told me to get off, and I said "fine". But then, she asked if I had homework, and I told her that I did, and then she got mad. She went on about "Had I known that you had homework, I wouldn't have allowed you to go to her house" blablabla. Thing is, which is what I held back from saying, I am now in College and am about to be an adult. She can't keep believing that she can control my movements and tell me when and how to do my homework. That's ridiculous! It really bothers me because I'm not a bad kid. I get my homework done, so why should it be a big deal when it gets done when it always is? Not to mention, it's always on time! *Sigh* She can't keep acting like this... I'm finding it harder and harder to contain the hurtful things that cross my mind when she says things like that...

Anyways, on a lighter note, I really love Linkin Park! xD

And, I believe that it's time I stop typing before I'm tempted to write about something that belongs in my diary rather than on my blog!

M a n [G] o

P.S I like this pic of me... It makes me feel pretty...

Sincerely Backwards

2008-09-04T22:36:00.002-04:00

It's odd isn't it? I went on about no longer speaking to him and what happened next? I'm seeing him tomorrow. Ridiculous. I really am stupid. Did I maybe jump to conclusions about him? I don't really think so. I guess I'll just have to wait for tomorrow to be over and done with to be able to see if he's really the jerk I believed him to be only a few days. Why do I get myself into these things...?

I have a short story to tell. (I warn you, it will be very much abridged.) I know this girl see; she's about as old as me. I really don't understand her. She has her problems, just as everyone else has theirs, and also has her own way of dealing with those problems, which most fear is not the right way, but she just shrugs and says that she's alright. She puts on this happy-go-lucky exterior, which I actually believe to be real most days. But then again, how can I truly understand someone who doesn't understand herself? Thing is about her, when people suggest that her problem could be something, if she thinks that it makes sense, she will take that suggestion and use it; make it real I suppose. For example, if someone says to her: "maybe you're just afraid of commitement." If she thinks it's a good enough reason for what's going on, she will take it and tell that to others to try to make them understand her. But then, she just feels even worse because she knows that's not really what's wrong, which causes her, in turn, to feel fake. She can never truly express herself properly, and it's saddening. I see her every day struggling to figure out what the hell is wrong with her. More often than not, she shares her confusing thoughts with me about the pain her heart sometimes causes her and the head aches that she has at random moments. I want to cry, but because she can't, I also have a hard time doing so. I love her with all my heart and I want her heart to mend. I wish she wouldn't be so afraid anymore. I wish she would realize just how important she really is to the people around her. I want her to understand herself and for things to no longer be just incoherent thoughts in her mind. In all honesty, I want to help, but I can't undertsand her until she understands herself. I love her.

M a n [G] o

Hey! I found my rope, now where was the tree?

2008-09-02T19:32:00.002-04:00

He IS a jerk. [By the way grandpa, his name is Max =P Bruno was a really nice guy that I met in another one of my classes.] I don't think I'll be doing anymore conversing with him anytime soon. >_<

Anyways! How about we completely forget about him and I change the subject? I got my ears pierced today! I now have two holes in one ear, and three in the other. One of them hurts much more than the other two, but I was expecting it. Actually, I was expecting it to hurt more than this, so I'm kind of relieved!

I baby-sat last night! It had been quite a while since I had last gone over there, so it was nice seeing the kids again! I got to walk the older one to the bus stop today. I feel really silly about thinking this, but I really wondered to myself: "Wow, so this is what a mother feels like when she sees her daughter get on the bus for the first time of the year." I was glad to still have the younger one with me to keep me company for a little while, but next Monday, I'll be walking them both to the bus and he won't be coming back with me. Gosh, they grow up so quickly don't they?

Back to school tomorrow after a well-needed long weekend, I'm not sure how excited I am... I start in gym, and the girls in my class seem really nice, so I don't imagine there will be any conflicts. After that is English... I'm not the least bit worried about that class! Last but not least, the dreaded philosophie class... O_O Simply put, I'm not very excited about that class or the people that are in it. Then again, maybe I just had a bad first and second impression. (Whatever!)

I can't think of anything creative to write. It really sucks. I would love to write something interesting, but I can't. The ideas just aren't coming to mind. I blame the jerk. This whole event has really been bothering me...

M a n [G] o

P.S: Ms. Flow is visiting, late again.

Feel like I was just a victim...

2008-09-01T00:38:00.005-04:00

I've been terribly exhausted these past few days, which makes little sense because whereas I have been going to bed a little late, I've been getting up late as well, which should compensate. I shouldn't be tired as though I was back at exam period in high school. It's ridiculous and it's annoying. Not to mention, I'm late again... A week, to be completely honest. I was late last time too. It's very frustrating. [No, I'm not pregnant.]

I realized yesterday that it's been a while since I last cried. Not that I'm saying that I plan in advance when, where and why I will be crying, because I don't. I was thinking that chances are, it would be coming soon. I'm accumulating.

Strange isn't it? I'm scared mad about doing something with him that shouldn't even be a big deal because I'm afraid to become more emotionally attached to him than he is to me. I don't want it to be one of those things that we do just for fun. I want it to mean something, and for us to mean something more to each other... I'm going to wait on this a little longer. This may sound very "drama-queen" of me, but I really don't want to be hurt again. ^^" I don't deal with things like that very well. (Who does?) And blabla... I feel pathetic again. xD I suppose I should get to know him better. Well, actually, as I continue writing, it seems more and more obvious that I should get to know him a lot better and that I shouldn't even be considering doing such things with him just yet and still I have this strange feeling that I'm going to do something stupid. I don't believe that one can truly be vulnerable if they say that they are, so maybe I'm just plain stupid? >D

Chances are, once again I am making a big deal over nothing. I seem to do that a lot... Maybe I just want to be more interesting? I sincerely hope not. That's not the kind of person that I desire to be... College=freedom. With freedom comes an even greater chance of getting smacked in the face, bashed with the reality of life. I hoped to avoid that smack in the face by just pretending that the hand never existed. A slightly childish method of thinking that I've developped... Oh well I guess...

Let the bashing begin...

M a n [G] o

Pretty in Pink

2008-08-29T21:08:00.002-04:00

Zero likes someone else... Her name is Jasmine. He's going to meet her tomorrow for the first time in person. *Sigh* Thing is, I don't think that it really bothers me. Of course, I do think that it sucks in a way, but I was going with my life. The crush was going away. It's gone now. =] I suppose it would be fair to say that I've found a new interest. I won't state his name just yet. I want to make sure this isn't just some sort of crazy pms decision that I'm making. xD

Anyways, first week of College has gone and past (even though it seems as though 3 weeks have passed xD). It was alright. I can't say that I made new friends, but I'm pretty sure that I've met two people that I'd really like being friends with. ^___^ A girl named Linnette and a guy named Bruno. They're both really nice! She's 24 and he's 21 and then there's me... at 17! xD hehe...

Sadly, I don't get to see my other friends so much... Our schedules rarely permit for us to see each-other for lengthy periods of time... u__u But I suppose, if one good thing happened this week, it's that Kiwii and I will be in the same English class. =] (She got bumped up) We have a history of working very well with each-other so, it should be a rather promising session!

To be honest, I'm too exhausted to write anything creative today...

Gomen Nasai!

M a n [G] o

Leave out all the rest

2008-08-27T22:03:00.005-04:00

I dreamed I was missing

You were so scared

But no one would listen

'Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming

I woke with this fear

What am I leaving

When I'm done here

So if you're asking me

I want you to know

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

[End Chorus]

Don't be afraid

I've taken my beating

I've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surface

Not all the way through

I've never been perfect

But neither have you

So if you're asking me

I want you to know

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest[

End Chorus]

Forgetting

All the hurt inside

You've learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can't be who you are

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Forgetting

All the hurt inside

You've learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can't be who you are

I can't be who you are

M a n [G] o

A New Beginning

2008-08-24T19:07:00.002-04:00

It is almost 7:30 p.m as I begin to write this entry. I'm still having great difficulty believing that tomorrow, everything will change. (Or so I fear.) Even now, my fingers are paralyzed because I have not the slightest clue of what to expect. As far as I know, none of my friends are in any of my classes, and that only adds to my worry. I'm not good at making friends! >___<>] I'm so bad at this... I have no idea what I'm going to do! @___@

Tomorrow will most likely have some sort of value to me. I will officially be turning the page of my highschool life. That chapter is over and I'm going to have to move on, whether I like it or not. I must admit, I had never been able to imagine myself this far in the future... and even now, I can't picture what tomorrow will look like.

Wow. I'm probably making a big deal out of something that will end up being nothing. Can you really blame me? I'm shaking in my socks. xD Wish me luck!

I will pray tonight to calm my nerves.

M a n [G] o

Sweet Stench of Sex and Decomposition

2008-08-22T22:40:00.004-04:00

Even before I walked into that room, the smell was horribly overwhelming. I had expected it, for I had seen her walk in earlier with whine and her skanky outfit and yet it still fascinated me. I had only opened the door ever so slightly and still it was unbelievably powerful. I was momentarily stunned.

My goal that night had been precise, very much premeditated and detailed nearly down to where each blood splatter would land. I knew what I wanted. It was something that I had practically fantasized on for months. So... much... blood. Just thinking about it, I feel... Yum.

For those who will label me a sinner, in my defense I state my certainty that He will forgive me. She deserved it. I will even be so bold as to say that she brought it upon herself. Her and her stuck-up attitude, the fakeness of her personality, her badly hidden bitchiness, everything was calling out for me to rid the planet of the likes of her. I'll admit that I could've spared her lover; he was partially innocent, but he reeked of her and I didn't want to find any trace of her stench ever again.

Once I had shaken myself out of the daze, I kicked open the door and blindly fired a shot into the room. I may have gone a little overboard, but I needed to be certain that they noticed me over her deafening moaning and screaming. The sound of her noises still sickens me to the utmost point. Allow me a few moments to hurl please.

Anyways, the shot did indeed get the desired affect. She rolled off him and fell to the floor. Unfortunately, I didn't hit her. It was rather entertaining to watch her fall off the bed though!

The look on their faces was priceless. Again, I would've loved to have left him out of it, but she had contaminated him and left me no choice.

They both hid their bodies with shocked and horrified expressions with the bed sheets. She said something about me putting down the gun. I can't quite remember clearly. I do recall her saying something or the other about being sorry and not wanting to push me this far. Her snake-like, hypocritical words only fueled my rage. I screamed at her to shut up or else I'd shoot her.

By then, her lover had regained his 'courage' and was making a move to get in front of her. I shot his hand and the blood sprayed onto her face. They both screamed; him in agony, her in fear. The smell of it had sent pleasure waves throughout my body and I advanced towards them.

It was only as I had been approaching that I noticed that the photograph of the three of us that he kept on his bedside table had been knocked over. I ordered her to step away from him or else he'd be shot again. She obeyed and I smiled.

I watched the tears stream down her face with mild satisfaction. She fell to her knees. Things were getting better and better. I wanted to kick her in the face and break her nose, destroy all her phoney features. I wanted to break the person that she had become. I wanted her to suffer just as she had made me suffer time and time again.

I went to stand behind her, grabbed her hair in my hand, pulled her head back and lightly brushed the gun down her cheek and across her chin.

Just then, I heard movement behind me. I wasn't surprised. All of this I had already thought of. He gave me no choice. I whisked around and shot him in the head. Oh how I wish he would've just stayed in the bed. I hadn't wanted to disfigure him... Why'd he have to try and be the hero?

She was sobbing now; mumbling about not wanting to die and asking why I did it. I didn't answer. Ignoring her nakedness, I continued to taunt her with my weapon. She had reached the highest point of desperation, being that she no longer felt the need to fight back. I knew that she wouldn't. She didn't struggle, not even when the knife that I pulled out of my pocket pierced the skin of her neck... She made no noise as I took her life.

Her blood stained my hands and I let her body fall limp to the floor as her precious red life flowed and tainted it as well. I was momentarily ecstatic, feeling almost high. I walked over to him and touched his cold, lifeless face.

"I'm sorry", I mumbled.

As soon as those words escaped my lips, I felt sick. I could barely breathe as I sobbed. I threw up once, twice, a third time, and then finally collapsed onto the floor...

Even as I think back to that night now, I'm still disgusted by the sound of her moaning. I don't regret it though. I needed to rid the world of that thing that took over the person that I once thought was my friend.

I had burned his house that night. And now, as I sit amidst the flames of my own burning home, I finally feel hopeful that in the other world I will be reunited with my friends again. I bring the gun to my head...

Goodbye.

~~~~~~

M a n [G] o

Dreams of Odd Reflections

2008-08-21T23:23:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling slightly better than yesterday. I suppose that I truly needed something to put my mind elsewhere. A trip to Cow's college really did put my mind to something else! xD That and our outing to the movie theatre with Chval, Kiwii and Biquette. We went to see Mirrors. Personally, I liked it. It had my heart racing, and that's the kind of sensation I was looking for. It was rather odd though that throughout the whole movie one of my hands was freezing cold, and yet it was the hand that Chval was holding, and her hands are always warm. O__o Strange...

I start College on Monday... I'm worried as hell! xD I'm worried about being late for class, or simply getting lost! >D

Anyways... I'm too distracted. Bye! <3

M a n [G] o

Can anybody out there hear me? 'Cause I can't seem to hear myself...

2008-08-20T23:45:00.004-04:00

Currently, I'm not alright. Two hours or so ago, I was doing just fine... And then all of sudden, BAM, I'm depressed. It isn't one of those sad depressions or those angry depressions, I just feel down. Worthless, I suppose would be the right way to put it. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel like I'm anyone in particular, hell, I don't even feel like me. I couldn't even say if I knew who "me" is at the moment...

This may sound terribly geeky, but I sincerely feel like a Nobody; as though I'm only a part of someone else and yet that I'm not supposed to exist. No heart= Nobody, right? This horrid feeling of emptiness is taking me over. I just don't understand.

I've been having thoughts lately, about Zero and Tenshi and Mooken, and anyone else that I've ever believed that I loved. In the beginning, I was certain that Tenshi was the love of my life and that I really did love him and that I always would. Seemingly, it didn't take long for me to start second-guessing. When I tell the story to everyone, I tend to blame it him. "He was just too nice, too much of a pushover, I wanted someone strong and not just physically." Yet now I wonder if there a was lot of it that may have been my fault.

The reason for me thinking that way is pretty simple: I caught myself earlier wondering if I would be truly happy if ever I had the chance to datee Zero. I realized that I'm just too damn afraid that things will become too serious too fast. I don't know what it is about me but I just always find a way to mess things up...

I'm a coward.

I never did tell Tenshi that while we were together I had been talking to an old friend that was taking an interest in me... online. It may only have been words, but that's all it really took for me to hate myself for being... just whatever it was I was being.

Right now, I wish to fall alseep and to never wake up. I don't feel as though I deserve everything that I have... I hate that I just can't let go... I hate that I'm so scared. I hate that I never truly feel good about myself, always that tiny thought that I'm inferior. I hate that I'm slightly jealous of someone that I love so much...

I don't know what I want, and I'm afraid that no one will be there to help me... Or that they'll give up hope and abandon.

Grandpa, will you please smack me with your cane and maybe knock me into a coma?

I need help... I need a friend... And I realize that what I need most is to talk.

M a n [G] o

Dear Friend,

2008-08-16T22:48:00.002-04:00

Dear Friend,

I don't believe that you know just exactly how much I owe you. Part of who I am today is thanks to everything that I've experienced with you. Part of me growing up and trying new things is thanks to you. Friend, you were my first kiss. Friend, I believe that I would've had an even harder time finding a boyfriend had you decided not to do it.

You know friend, every now and again I used to wonder if I ever really had gotten over you... I asked myself that today when you and I were having a casual conversation. Just moments before that, we had been playing around and I realize just how much fun I have when I'm with you. You're far too charming for your own good Friend.

You have absolutely no idea how much I take your words to heart because I feel deep down that you are sincere and that you really do want nothing but the best for me. I appreciate it. It felt good to open up about certain things and have you tell me: "Well, I don't know what kind of guys you've got down in Montreal, but if you lived in the States they'd be all over you." I was so flattered, I tried to hide my smile but I'm pretty certain that you saw it anyways. It's true, and I've noticed that the attention here and the attention at home are not the same whatsoever. For some reason, I always feel more comfortable when I'm here. But obviously, it must still show through at times that the confidance is lacking. You noticed. Wow... you, from high up on your podium noticed me way down here. I thought I'd become invisble such a long time ago...

Although there were some of my fears that I wasn't ready to share with you just yet, for the ones that I did tell, you made me feel better. Although, hearing about some of your past experiences really had me feeling slightly jealous, I never expected you'd share anything personal with me. I felt at that moment that we really had become close friends today. To be honest, I never expected that.

I don't know if you noticed, I had trouble looking at you while you spoke to me. It's not because I didn't find you interesting, it's because of... well, I don't even know. A misplaced feeling of unworthyness? That or I was too afraid that my eye would be a little bit strange and that you'd find me strange... It's stupid, I know. But I really don't like it.

Anyways Friend, in case you haven't noticed, this whole letter was written to show my appreciation. I know you didn't want to read my blog when I had offered to send the link to you, which is most likely why I'm actually writing this right now... Thank you Friend. I owe you a lot. I wish I could've hugged you for so much longer than we did... Things are clear in my head now. Love is involved, but not in the same way that it once was.

Sincerely yours,

Alley

P.S Hopefully next time I see you, I'll be holding the love of my life's hand in mine and presenting him to you.

2008-08-16T13:41:00.004-04:00

I'm not falling apart

2008-08-10T17:20:00.004-04:00

Well, I stand corrected. Grandpa still somehow managed to sneak in a smart comment. xD For the record, you should've convinced her to get the bed spread instead! But then that wouldn't have been like you would it? It would've been too nice! [hehe you really are quite special grandpa! xD]

Anyways, I did get my new glasses today! >3 I love them sooo much! I took a bunch of pics so I suppose that I'll put them on here. =]

I don't have much to say at the moment so maybe I'll blog some more later? I'm not really in the mood. xD I just wanted to put my pics.

M a n [G] o

To me you'll be forever sacred...

2008-08-09T18:01:00.006-04:00

Liar, liar, pants on fire hanging from a telephone wire. -The Used

All the anime stuff should be starting shortly, well, to be precise, it'll start in an hour. That should give me something to do. No, I haven't spent my whole day on the computer. I read a bit of my new book 'The Bad Place' by the one and only Mr. Dean Koontz. [I read 6 chapters to be exact.] So far so good, the beginning has caught my attention. The only reason I stopped reading was because I couldn't find a comfortable position to read in and it was messing with my concentration, so I thought that I'd try again later.

I was able to add on a little more than a page to my story, question of making a 20 minute journey a little bit more... how to say, gruesome! xD I don't think that I ever imagined that I'd have written so much in my story. I suppose that this time I'm much more determined to actually finish it because it seems much more promising and interesting than anything else I've ever written.

Good news! Costco called this morning. Does anyone know what that means? Come on give it a guess... That's right!! New glasses!! =] I'm checking to see if grandpa can sneak a smart comment in right there... Doesn't look like it. All is well!

Look at Carl! Isn't he cute? I like this pic of him! Mwa!! <3>

M a n [G] o

Fear the unknown

2008-08-08T23:51:00.003-04:00

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it.

Yeah, I have that song stuck in my head and I am currently listening to it on youtube, which is pitiful on my part because I don't like the PCD. =__=

Anyways, I just recently returned from Ringo's house. =] I'm happy with how our evening went. It was really nice to see Etinoroy again. I missed him so much! O__O I believed that after tonight I was ranked second, closely followed by Kiwii and then Ringo, but Etinoroy was by far the master tonight. I can't believe how much I swore tonight. xD I'm not used to it. But I guess that's what happens when I get competitive. ^_^" [Especially when Etinoroy is in the mix.]

I had an odd nightmare-ish thing last night. I dreamt that I had a stalker and that it was Halloween and when I got back from giving out candies at my dad's the light outside my house was no longer on, which I found weird since my mom had bought an unbelievable amount of candy. I had gone across the street to ask my neighbour for help, and I asked him to come inside with me. I was horrified though when out of the darkness, someone jumped out and stabbed him.

It was strange... and to be honest, I'd rather not write the rest. A lot of death, sadness and gore that I prefer to forget.

Next wednesday, I leave for Virginia. I'm not sure how long I'll be staying there, but I'm pretty certain that I'll be pretty excited to come back home and get my stuff prepared for the beginning of school on the 25th. [Wow that's soon...]

I'd like to put a word in for a friend who's father is not doing so well. I had heard about it before hand and was expecting it, but I needed to wait for her to tell me. It still shocks me in a way... She was my friend, never really one of my best friends, but a good friend none-the-less and we've had many good laughs together. I doubt that anyone could wish upon someone such a grave sickness... I wish her and her father good luck and I hope that things work out in the end. I pray for the cancer to go away. Be strong ok? I love you.

M a n [G] o

Should I resist?

2008-08-08T00:32:00.002-04:00

I went to a friend's house today. I hadn't actually realized just to what extent I had missed being there until it was time for me to leave. I didn't really do much: helped her with her hair a little bit, but even so, all I was doing was putting elastics on the ends [not even I would trust myself with a more important task xD]. Later, her mom arrived and she made us spaghetti while we watched 'So You Think You Can Dance', which ended rather marvellously! [HOORAY FOR JOSHUA] I realized just how at home I felt with them at that moment as we sat and laughed around the table in the kitchen. It just felt nice, and it was really appreciated. It also felt good to just be able to talk about things that were on my mind and bothering me. I really needed that! =]

Tomorrow will most likely be uneventful for the most part, until I go to Ringo's house at around 7 p.m with Kiwii and Etinoroy. We're having our second Super Smash Bros Brawl competition!! I have to remember to bring my gamecube controllers, I really can't stand playing with the wii-motes for that game! xD

I believe that last night was the first time I got frustrated with the younger of the two children that I baby-sit. He just would not go to sleep and he was making noise for quite a bit. I was worried he may wake his sister. I suppose that I could also blame it partially on my impatience do to my lack of sleep. When I baby-sit, I don't normally get more than 5 hours sleep at night and I have an especially rough time when I don't nap when I get home. Yesterday, I didn't nap. Last night, I felt it. This morning too... xD But I napped today. ^^"

Well, that's all for now. I may write again later... a story maybe. We'll see. Night night! <3

M a n [G] o

A requiem for my lost one

2008-08-06T18:03:00.006-04:00

I had a friend notice a few days ago how many of my entry titles seemed depressing and yet the content, for the most part, had nothing to do with it. He made quite the interesting remark. "In the end, it's the title that says what's really going on." I nearly fell off my bed. He couldn't have been more right. But then, two nights ago, I caught myself writing in my diary and I had realized something. The titles are mostly what I'm feeling in my heart.

You see, as I wrote in my diary, the difference between a diary and a blog is the content. You can write what's in your blog in your diary, but vice versa is not true. The contents of your heart should not find themselves on this internet page. They shouldn't be layed out for everyone and anyone to read. Where's the intimacy in that? But then again, I suppose it depends on what it is that resides in your heart that you would rather keep secret. Personally, I prefer to write what's in my mind here. It helps people understand who I am and what I'm like without them necessarily knowing what makes me tick. They understand my opinion without all the reasoning. I have put my heart into some of these entries, but that is something that I was willing to share, for, to most, it was no secret. (Family issues and such.)

Anyways, I took more pictures and played around with them again today! I put the emphasis on my new socks as you can tell! Also, I was very much inspired by a friend's story about mirrors. [Thanks so much to you for writing something so wonderful!!]

Also, I am still waiting impatiently for the arrival of my new glasses. I really hope to get them soon and be able to show them off a little! ^__^

Something else that I need to say before the end of this, I'm glad to be back in touch with someone that I never thought I'd speak to again. Things were rough for quite some time, but I guess we can say that we have called a truce, and what a relief that is!

That should be all for today. Au Revoir!

M a n [G] o

Can you catch me?

2008-08-03T18:31:00.004-04:00

"Please run away", I pleaded as I held the already blood-covered knife in my shaky hands. The boy who stood traumatized in front of me hesitated before he finally sprinted away.
My knees gave way and I fell to the ground, the smell of blood was making me unbelievable dizzy. The body of a man lay lifeless next to me and I winced as I took the glove off my hand, exposing my curse mark. I touched my palm to his cold skin and felt my back burn as his blood evaporated.
"Hey you!" somebody exclaimed off in the distance. I pulled my hand away, put the glove back on and ran.

From my seat on the swing, I could see him staring at me. His dark eyes were curious and inviting.
"Don't come near me, don't come near me..."
I sighed when he approached me.
"I've never seen you before", he smiled. Flirt.
"That's most likely because I try not to be seen."
"Why would someone as pretty as you try not to be seen?"
"Because I'm not safe." I stood up to leave, but he was blocking my escape routes. "Please move."
"Oh come now. Why would you say something like that?"
Why did he have to be so beautiful? I couldn't just walk away now. There was something mysterious about him, something that caught my eye. I was certain that I had seen his face somewhere before, but I just couldn't place it. That, I could blame on my lack of a social circle.
"Why are you out at night by yourself?" he asked, braking my train of thought.
"I don't have a home. And obviously, I'm not dead yet, so that should mean that I can take care of myself just fine."
"I wouldn't push my luck if I were you."
"I'm fine."
"You can't expect me to just leave you out at night."
"Uh... yes I can."
He took my left hand, my safe hand. I wasn't expecting that.
"Please come with me."
I couldn't refuse with him staring at me like that, with his magneficent eyes. Bastard...
"You won't take no for an answer I suppose?"
He held my hand tightly, as if afraid that I would flee, and led my towards wherever it was that he lived. Like a child, I followed without protest, and marveled at his place when we had finally arrived. It was huge. A penthouse. I felt horrible when I stepped through the door.
"You know, most people don't invite strangers into their homes."
"You're not a stranger."
"You don't even know my name."
"Let me guess... Your name is Emi."
I froze. No one knew my name. I never carried I.D and I rarely spoke it. Only that homeless woman knew my name.
"How did you...?"
"I spend a lot of time out at night."
"A rich guy like you?"
"I can take care of myself."
Just then, an old man walked in. He hadn't seemed too disturbed by my presence. To be truthful, I was the one disturbed when I saw that he held two cups of tea on his tray.
"Thank you Alfred."
"My pleasure master Wayne."
"Bruce Wayne..." I mumbled incredulously. Now how the hell did I get myself into that situation? Why hadn't I realized that it was him from the very beginning? Shit.

Moments later, he was showing me to where I would be sleeping. I followed sheepishly, my eyes fixated on the floor. I stopped paying attention to him for a moment and jumped when he flung a shirt at me.'
"You can sleep in that. Tomorrow, my friend Rachel will bring some girly stuff for you." He left the room and I sighed again as I took off my clothes. My back was to the door when he opened it again, but that was all it took.
"Should I bring..." He stopped dead in his sentence. I knew what he was staring at. I pulled his shirt over my shoulders and ran, pushing him out of my way as I burst out of the bedroom, took the steps two at a time, stepped awkwardly into my shoes and escaped through the front door. I heard him calling my name, but I ignored him and continued to race away.
Considering the little clothing that I had on, rushing out of the door may not have been my smartest decision. I was expecting trouble. I got it.
Turning into an alley, I ran smack into the person that I never once in my life time expected to see. Just my luck. I had fallen to the ground, but was back up again as quickly as it had happened.
"Well, well, well. What do we have here?"
My feet were dangling a few inches above the ground. He wasn't the one holding me up. Some other thug had taken the liberty of doing so.
The one who spoke, his face was painted white; around his eyes, big, black painted circles and on his lips and stretched up his cheeks was painted a long red line... a permanent smile. The Joker.
"Put me down", I managed to order. "You're damned goon is suffocating me."
That made him laugh. His laugh made me shudder.
"Now, what would we be doing out here dressed like that?" teased the Joker. I coughed and he gave the order to let me down.
"Thanks. He would've lost his life had he not put me down."
Next thing I knew, my feet were back off the ground, and a gun was being held against my head.
"Bastard", I choked.
"Quite the mouth you have!" He was clearly amused, unlike his other clown that obviously wanted to shoot me. "You really want him to kill you?"
"I'll bet I can kill him first." I slipped off my glove as I spoke and smacked the idiot in the face. He dropped me. The Joker laughed and watched. A butterfly mark appeared on his cheek and he cried out in pain and dropped his gun, which I in turn picked up and pointed in his direction.
The joker was jumping up and down and clapping. It aggravated me. I pointed the gun towards him.
"Now, now! You said you'd kill him not me!"
"I'm just about ready to change my mind."
The man on the ground kept screaming in pain. I sighed and threw the gun away. I walked over to him and pressed my lips to his cheek. He stopped his noise, the pain ceased, and he fell over, unconscious. I slipped my glove back on.
The Joker was closer than I remembered when I turned back around.
"That's quite the unusual talent you have there!" he giggled. "Can I offer you a job?"
Just then, there was a loud noise that sounded like someone had just fallen from the sky. I jumped around and there was someone else I was always afraid I'd run into.
"The Batman!" the Joker seemed happy. "Funny seeing you here!"
"Leave her alone", he ordered with the hoarse voice that I had always imagined him with.
"She could very well kill you, you know!" replied the made up man with a permanent smile.
"I know what she can do."
Terrified, I backed up until my back hit the wall.
"What to do, what to do?"

~~~~~~~

Alright, I'll admit to having no life! xD Yes that was a little Batman scene that I had imagined in my mind... I love that movie so much! I had a dream that resembled that, so I thought that I'd stretch it out a little. I'm not sure if I'll ever continue. Knowing myself, I most likely will not, so I hope that it was enjoyable at the very least... I should be going soon. Ciaooo! <3

P.S I'm absolutely falling in love with Christian Bale!! xD

M a n [G] o

M.I.A

2008-08-02T00:52:00.004-04:00

Things have been rather difficult for me lately. It's hard to explain... That night at the Coldplay concert, when I heard the first couple notes of 'The Scientist', I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. Automatically, I thought to myself: "Look Tuxedo Mask, it's our song." And then I remembered, Tuxedo Mask is gone. I tried so hard not to cry. [It would've looked odd if I had come home with mascara stains on my cheeks!] He moved far away and I will never speak to him again... It's hard for me to put the memories away because I don't want to forget. [I can't do that if I want to write a book about it.] I had a friend tell me at 4 a.m this morning: "Didn't I tell you? I knew this would happen but you didn't listen. I told you." I wanted her to stop talking but she went on and on as she always does. I didn't want to hear it from her, I didn't want to talk about it and I tried desperately to block out the sound of her voice so that I wouldn't snap at her. It never was something that I wanted to hear. Especially not from her. She just lacks sensitivity sometimes because she believes that I'm built of steel and that she can say whatever it is that she wants and I can take it. I can't believe that she doesn't believe how cruel she really can be. She knows that my eyes make me very self-conscious and yet she constantly brings back the: "oh you were so cute and your eye was all turned in." I just want to smack her some days. Sometimes, when she catches me at an odd moment when I'm tired and having a bit more trouble keeping it straight, she laughs. It's not volontarily to be cruel, and I think that's why I don't say anything, but it hurts me so much. My eye is the reason for why I hate having people stand too close to me when they talk. The closer they are, the harder it is. It makes me nervous. I'm afraid to make eye contact with people because I fear that they will notice the slight problem with me. They will see my imperfection and deconsider me for it. [I have no idea if that's even a real word xD]

Other news, I'm not a candidate for lazer eye surgery. One optometrist said that my eyes were a handicap of sorts. Because I had strabismus and was operated for it, lazer would only make matters worse for me. I'm not that disappointed... I wasn't too keen on the idea of getting the surgery anyways. Besides, my eye sight is staying pretty steady. My right eye, the more problematic one, got a tiny bit worse, but nothing that has me extremely worried. I should be receiving my new glasses within 10 days and I'm really excited to finally have some change on my face!

"Things always get worse before they can get better." That's a phrase that I really took to heart after seeing The Dark Knight. Right now, things aren't going so great with a friend. She can sense it and so can I. There's something that is slipping away ever so slightly. She says that we don't see each other as much as we used to, and that since she got a boyfriend. I can't protest. I know that it's true. I myself played a role in that separation. I'm pulling away because of a feeling of aggravation I'm trying to rid myself of. Some days I feel horrid because I never thought I'd be doing it, other days I wonder if maybe it is the right thing to do. She's one of my best friends and I don't necessarily want it to change... it just is. I can only speak for myself now and not for the others. They have their reasons, and I have mine. Basically, I want to shake off this god-awful feeling that there's always this stupid competetiveness going on. I want to not feel so alienated when I get back from spending time together. I just want to understand, and I'm sorry that I need to pull away to do it.

It's late I need to sleep. Goodnight. <3

M a n [G] o

Staying afloat in a sea of knives

2008-08-01T14:03:00.002-04:00

Has anyone ever tried treading knives? Trying helplessly to keep your head above sea level whilst sharp objects pierce your skin and make you bleed... You don't want to give up for fear that the blades will disfigure you and yet, you stop feeling pain throughout the rest of your body. It's almost welcoming. You've lost most of your blood already anyways, and there's no way to be certain that a major artery hasn't been severed. That's how I feel right now. I feel numb. Now I'm forced to choose between trying to stay alive a little bit longer, or giving in to my weakness and sinking into the sea of knives... Tough decision. What to do?

M a n [G] o

Blood and Cowardice

2008-07-31T21:12:00.002-04:00

Yesterday night, I had a depressed moment. I was a time bomb ready to explode at any moment (and believe me, the tears were ready). I wouldn't be able to state the reasons behind my near break-down experience on my blog for some are now too far hidden in my mind... Although, I know yesterday's trigger very well, I'm trying to push it away with everything else. It upsets me to know that something like that upsets me, but I think that it was progressive and discreet. It's something that I didn't notice in the beginning and now I'm just so confused and at such a loss for words. I suppose that the easy way to put it is: I feel used and abused. BUT, I will say not another word. Done, I want it forgotten. Good bye.

I'll add more another day. My friend has just arrived and I know that we need to talk.

M a n [G] o

Vote Harvey Dent

2008-07-29T10:02:00.004-04:00

Two nights in a row I've had the same dream. I suppose you could call it "wishful dreaming" since I was half awake for some of it. I've seen the batman movie twice already and I'm going to see it again tomorrow, so yes, there is a lot of influence from that. In my dream, I was in some sort of huge pharmacy and I can't remember what I was doing, but people were trying to catch me and I ended up knocking them all out. [Impossible for me, I know.] After that, I was standing at the counter somewhere and Harvey Dent showed up and he was trying to catch me. I had to run fast... I was so light on my feet, making no noise as I ran up and down aisles trying to lose him. At one point, I remember knocking things over, cans and such, to slow him down and it worked. I was swerving in and out of aisles with such stealth... and then as I was running down one, he appeared at the end, blocking my way. I gasped and fell backwards at his feet. He dropped down on top of me to erase my chances of escaping and smiled as the word: "Gotcha" escaped his lips. ~~ Both nights, the same ordeal. Me, running; him, chasing me and catching me at the same place and in the same manor... I should find out what it may mean. ^^"

Here's what dreammoods.com had to say:

Chase dreams often stem from feelings of anxiety in your walking life. The way we respond to anxiety and pressure in real life is typically manifested as a chase dream. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in our environment. Often in these dream scenarios, you are being pursued by some attacker, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. You are running away, hiding, or trying to outwit your pursuer. Chase dreams may represent your way of coping with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it.�Ask yourself who is the one chasing you and you may gain some understanding and insight on the source of your fears and pressure.The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent a part of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you.�One may be consumed by their own anger, jealousy, love, or self-destructive behavior. For example, you may be drinking too much or exhibiting open hostility toward others around you. You may subconsciously be threatened by these actions which have been jeopardizing your relationships and/or career. Your dreams are a way of calling attention to these self-destructive actions.A more direct analysis of chase dreams is the fear of being attacked. Such dreams are more common among women than men, who may feel physically vulnerable in the urban environment. These dreams are inspired by fears of violence and sexual assault in which we are so over-exposed from the media. The violence that the media portrays magnifies our fears and how at risk we all are.

Well... that interpretation may be right except that I wasn't scared of Harvey Dent in my dream. It was more like a game... cat and mouse. "You can't catch me." Then he would catch me and I can never remember what followed.

I had another Batman dream but this one involved black butterflies. I looked up the colour black in the dream meanings and got this: Black symbolizes the unknown, unconscious, danger, mystery, darkness, death, mourning, hate or malice. And then I looked up Butterfly and got this: To see a butterfly in your dream, denotes your need to settle down. Butterflies also signifies creativity, romance, joy and spirituality. You may be undergoing a transformation into a new way of thinking. Personally, I don't see the common link between my dreams, but maybe that's just because I don't want to see it. If anyone can help me, it'd be really appreciated. I need opinions. =]

[COLDPLAY TONIGHT BY THE WAY]

M a n [G] o

Let's start the killing, start the killing.

2008-07-28T14:20:00.003-04:00

One more day, just one more day [a little over 24 hours] until I finally get to see Coldplay live! Although my face at the moment may not be proof of my excitement, my body is tingling! xD Also, I most likely will be seeing Zero on Wednesday! ^__^ We've planned for him to come over for a little bit and we'll play video games like the geeks we are... xD After that, we'll head over to the movie theatre and go see Batman (for my 3rd time, but I don't mind, I love the movie and the company! =P) I'll try to take pictures if I can! ^___^

~~~~

On a side note, I finally get to go see an optomologist (or something like that) to get my eyes checked! I'm worried and happy at the same time. Happy because I finally get to change my glasses; worried because I'm certain that my vision hasn't improved... It never does. Always a stronger perscription. In a way, it scares the hell out of me. Being blind is one of my biggest fears. Some may think: "well then get laser surgery and you're vision will be perfect". Well, did you then not know that there is a small chance of blindness caused by the surgery? Yeah the chance is immensely tiny, but it's there none-the-less. U__U Anyways, time for me to go to my dad's... I'll write again soon, I promise!

M a n [G] o

I'll find peace in death alone

2008-07-27T16:19:00.004-04:00

My friends came over from Toronto for the weekend. It was fun! Apparently, my flirting is not very discreet... xD (They're both girls, but one of them was listening to me while I was on the phone with you-know-who.) I thought it over, and then I realized that there was nothing wrong with me being a little obvious. It puts my feelings out there more visibly, and it'll be easier for me to see what he will do with them. I want to take things slowly and not jump into anything, yet at the same I'm too excited so my words betray the logic that I had once had. Next time I see him, we'll probably go to see Wall-E... I'm also thinking of inviting him over... (Not to do whatever sillyness you make be thinking of! xD) I'm getting wrapped up way too quickly, and I know that may bring harsh and crude consequences, but I can't slow down, not now. The hill is too steep and I've lost all my breaks. We'll just have to see if I crash and burn, or if I'm saved by a miracle...

~~~~

It seems that my cowardice is taking over again. I wonder if I ever will manage to be brave and say, not what the other person wants to hear, but exactly what it is that I want to say. I feel so torn. Some days I feel one way, only to feel the exact opposite the next. I can't control my fingers. Look already I'm flirting again, and not with the person that you would expect... Is there no end in sight to my indecisiveness? Actually no. I doubt that I used the right choice of words... Allow me to rephrase: Is there no end in sight to my need for attention and love?

...Only death will bring me peace.

M a n [G] o

When I get sick of the phrase "I love you..."

2008-07-25T02:32:00.003-04:00

I never ever believed that I could get sick of hearing "I love you." Yeah, it's happened to me before to be annoyed with it, now I just don't want to hear it. I'm torn between happiness and pure annoyance.

That sentence is meant to be beautiful, full of emotion... real. I'm exhausted and I don't want to hear it. I shouldn't be there to hear it. It's not a trio and I don't want to keep feeling like the third, like I'm too much. My friends mean the world to me but this can't go on. I always feel like a hypocrite, a fake, all because I refuse to express myself.

And then there's always that side of me that believes that I shouldn't because it may just be my way of thinking. I don't think that the world needs to be aware of my love for someone else. That may aggravate the future love of my life, but that's just how I am. I suppose that I may just be more discreet. That or it just makes me uncomfortable... I live every day in complete indecision and I never know what it is that I should do. Should I say something and risk feelings getting hurt, or should I keep it to myself and just allow the little things to pile up until I explode and something really crude escapes my lips? I'm not violent, not in the way that I act nor in the way that I speak, but I can be and that scares me. Inside myself, there are two different people, the one who is pure and silent, and the other, a little more outspoken and made up from the things that I lock away. I don't want that person to take control and that's why I don't say anything. Think me ridiculous if that is what you desire, you're probably right. I'm childish and cowardly, but at least my words do not bring upon anyone any pain.

Even as I write I begin to find myself more and more ridiculous. This can't go on. I'm growing up. I'm starting over. I'm living a crush. (Yeah it's a crush now get over your damn self alright? You're nor older nor better than me so stop trying to push me, it irks me.) And because of this useless frustration I dread the day that I will say "I love you" again.

I will ask for forgiveness, I just really can't do this.

M a n [G] o

Living life in Black and White

2008-07-21T12:05:00.004-04:00

Well everyone, I believe that the 'vacation' part of my summer is over! I went to Florida and NY (both of which were a blast >3!!) I've also been baby-sitting for quite some time now, which is fun! (30$ a night is reasonable isn't it?) I get there and the kids are already asleep! =] Downside: I'm not much of a morning person, so waking up at 7:30 a.m and trying to have some sort of authority to get them dressed and get them breakfast before their mother gets home can be quite the challenge most mornings... xD But normally, they're pretty good. They're very hyper in the morning, but they listen to me anyways. I love them to bits! [<

Anyways, I've been playing around on picnik thanks to Ental so I may as well show you the fruit of my labor (whatever xD) ! =P

Well, that was the first one. It 's alright I suppose! =] I'm liking this next one better so far though! ^___^

Well, comments are always appreciated... xD I think they're not too bad! I also hope that I didn't burn anyone's eyes out... xD

M a n [G] o

Oh the Heat!

2008-07-02T21:59:00.002-04:00

Well gang... I'm blogging from my hotel in Florida! So far things have been going swell... I've had my ups and downs moments but you know... I just get cranky because I hate the heat! xD The beach is really beatiful (even if there was a large amount of dead jelly-fish out there today). The pool is nice too. =] Also, I've been tanning pretty nice and I have yet to burn! ARG! Before I forget, and Kiwii will understand my pain, we went to a mall yesterday and I had forgottenn my wallet in the hotel and I saw some pretty awesome Converse for 50$!!! 50$!! That's half what I can find them for at home and even as I searched a different mall today, I could not find them... It really sucks... >[ Anyways... that's it for today! Ciaooooo!

M a n [G] o

Hide and Seek

2008-06-23T13:13:00.002-04:00

Well... it's a little after 1 p.m and I'm bored out of my mind with nothing to do. One of my best friends is probably still asleep so I'll have to wait a little longer before I can call her. I was hoping she'd come over so we could watch a movie that my friend Tenshi-kun bought me yesterday at the mall. Oh! I'm going to babysit someone else's kids for the first time by myself! I think it'll be fun! They're my "cousins" so I doubt that I'll have much trouble with them... And anyways, they should be in bed by the time I get there.

Prom was super sick by the way! I really had a great time and danced so much!! =D Also, I sang and screamed a lot, so that added to my adrenaline of the night! The after party at my house went well too and I'm proud to say that I stuck to my no-drinking rule. The last thing I wanted was for everyone to be drunk all over the place... xD (If you had seen some of the people there, you would've shared my anxiety...)

Kiwii is gone to NY and I miss her... I hope she gets back soon! I really need to talk to her!! =]

Today it looks as though it's going to rain outside... =( I'm hoping that it won't... And if it does, well, I hope that it brings rainbows as it has been doing lately. (I don't believe I've ever seen so many rainbows in so little time! O_o)

Oh! I should be able to call Cacao soon! >3 I'll blog more later or tomorrow... or whenever I next feel like it! xD

M a n [G] o

Push me

2008-06-22T23:19:00.001-04:00

Anger is pointless.

Screaming is useless

Crying shows vulnerability

M a n [G] o

Floating on Cloud Nine

2008-06-21T22:15:00.002-04:00

~~I was sitting in front of my computer screen as I always was back then. At 16 years old, my only interest had been the wonders of the internet. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I had no life, for I did. I had great friends, a broken family, a boyfriend... I did go out often enough with my friends, but on those nights after school when I supposedly finished my homework or whatever else I was supposed to be doing, my passion was to sit on that chair and not want to leave.

~~ I suppose it would be more appropriate to state that I had two lives. The first, my normal day-to-day life that was spent going to school, getting into heated arguments with my mother, avoiding my father, fighting with my brother, laughing at lunch with friends while trying to forget the things mentioned before, taking the bus, talking on the phone... you get the picture. The second, my virtual life. The life in which my name changes and I become someone different. But as I've grown, I've realized just to what extent I wasn't really that different a person in both lives... In both, I believe that I was a wimp.

~~ I never was one to really speak my mind. I said what I thought would sound right. If I felt angry, I never wrote the ugly things that I thought... I'd backspace until every letter had disappeared and started writing again as though I had shrugged everything off whereas as the pain couldn't have been worse.

~~ I had been dating my boyfriend for nearly 5 months, but at the time, I wasn't taking it seriously. I never cheated on him in real life, but in my virtual world, that wasn't the case...

~~ This guy, I had known him for quite some time and only recently had he begun talking to me in a different way than he used to. It was odd, it was surreal... it was perverse... I just simply couldn't get enough. All that attention that I was receiving, I always craved more. I really liked him. He wasn't my boyfriend and I felt bad for what I was doing. My boyfriend loved me with all his heart. He always said that he did, and I knew that he did because he respected me. He was very shy; not one to make first moves for much and maybe that frustrated me. I don't even know anymore. I can't quite remember.

~~At that time, I was talking to many new people on the internet; people that I knew couldn't care less about me, that just wanted the same thing from me. At the time, I told myself that I didn't care. They showed an interest in me and that had me floating on cloud nine. I know better now. I'm worth more than that and I know that I deserve respect. I know it, yet still I continue to be an idiot. There are moments where I tell myself. "Why do I bother? I'm getting frustrated over things that I shouldn't even care about." I look back at things that I had said on the internet, and pictures that I had sent and I think: "Wow I was stupid." And yet even now, every now and again, there's that odd person that manages to get me to say things that I know I shouldn't. Temptation should be a sin. But then again... I suppose lust is...

~~Anyways, all to say that even with all the stupid actions that I've done, I managed to find a friend in my virtual life that I never felt I shouldn't be talking to. The story that I'm about to tell is that of him and me. My wonderful friend, my great brother, my doorway to trouble...

**************************************

That's kind of the introduction for a story that I plan on writing later on... Yes it's based on my life. No I don't have a big head for writing something like this. I think that it could be interesting and that it could maybe help others in a way. Who knows... maybe it'll be a bestseller!! =]

M a n [G] o

The end of it all...

2008-06-19T20:25:00.003-04:00

Fare the well
My own true love
Farewell for a while
I'm going away
But I'll be back
Though I go 10,000 miles...

10,000 miles
My own true love
10,000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return...

Oh don't you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She's weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine.

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You've been a friend to me...

It's hard for me to believe this... This day, this momentous day... I've been waiting, looking forward to it for what seems like an eternity, and yet nowhere near an eternity seems to have passed. This has been the greatest year of my existence! Everything, all the problems, all the misunderstandings, everything seems so clear now and so childish. We've all grown so much. We are our own people. [You've been a friend to me] To see everyone going their separate ways after having gotten to know some of them so well is no easy task. I didn't think I'd cry. I said that I wouldn't... I think that above all, I'm just happy. This last week has been wonderful and not even exams managed to tear us apart. We stayed strong through them and kept signing year books. Book after book after book... Endless memories being written on coloured pages to attempt to make them immortal; to keep them from being forgotten. Yet some of them truly are timeless. Some faces cannot be forgotten. (Others you hope desperately to forget, yet there aren't many of those) We are leaving behind us many things, yet we are leaving with far more. I never could've hoped to find friends better than those I have. Yeah, we've wanted to tear each-other apart over the years, but we've stayed together haven't we? That's true friendship. I can't be depressed knowing that we will persevere and that our true friends are the ones that we shall not lose and we will be able to stick together no matter what...

M a n [G] o ~~~~~~~ Graduating class of 2008

Wimp

2008-06-09T19:57:00.002-04:00

I feel very very tiny right now... I just don't understand... Why am I afraid of him? Why am I afraid to walk out the door like he did to us? Why can't I yell at him and say mean things to him and make him feel like sh*t just as he repeatedly does to me? In part I suppose that I really don't want to be like him... I don't want to stoop to his level, but FUCK I can't keep living like this. I can't keep crying because of someone who just keeps causing me pain over and over without reason or remorse! It's not as if he doesn't see my displeasure... He just... he's my dad... and I can't not love him. I can't bring myself to hurt him. I can't tell him off, I can't throw things around... I can't show him anything. He believes that he has complete control over me, and I guess it does seem that way... There's just no talking to him... And it hurts me so bad. He's never seemed interested in anything that I do. He doesn't ask about my stories, my drawing, my art... he just yells at me and tells me everything that I constantly seem to be doing wrong... Telling me when I show him my 84% average: "That's alright, but I thought that you were aiming for 85%" Screw you! I tried hard for my mark... and you can't even congratulate me. You can't stop bitching about my mom in front of me when you know that I hate it... You can't even give me a straight answer about why you went and knocked up that whore!! Not only that, you put her son before us all the time, just because you missed out on his life. Live with it you son of a bitch! If you weren't such a man slut you wouldn't be in this situation and you wouldn't have hurt my mother! You wouldn't be hurting my little brother! You wouldn't be missing out on our lives! It's too late for you now...

...I'm out for now...

M a n [G] o

Phat

2008-06-07T20:31:00.003-04:00

Tears. Free flows of them, waterfalls of them. They're ceaseless, unstopable...

Trying to fit into something that just doesn't seem meant to be anymore...

Smiling with all my might after finding the perfect shoes...

"I can barely breathe and I can't bend..."

...Only to have my smile fade away.

"You still have two weeks."

Choking on my tears as I try to hold them back.

Feeling like an elephant in my own body...

Hearing everyone happy about losing weight and smiling and congratulating them.

"Oh that's good! It's true, you do look slimmer."

"I think that my dress might be a little too big now, my butt doesn't look as nice..."

"My favorite part of my body is my stomach!"

Feeling like a whale...

Knowing that I haven't lost a thing.

Everyone looks so much nicer than me...

They're doing so well...

They look so pretty...

An elephant...

A whale...

A dress that now chokes me...

Not slim...

"I didn't touch the back of the dress. She must've gained weight."

Meanwhile, I was feeling so much smaller in my clothes...

Deception.

I don't feel so small anymore...

"God Alena..."

"Sorry."

I really don't feel so well... I feel bad now with every little thing that I eat...

A whale...

M a n [G] o

Where'd you go?

2008-06-06T18:44:00.002-04:00

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,

Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,

"I don't understand why you have to always be gone,

I get along but the trips always feel so long,

And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,

'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,

But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,

But when I pick up I don't have much to say,

So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,

That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',

Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,

Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone.

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone,

Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,

Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,

Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,

But now, you only stop by every once and a while,

Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,

With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,

I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,

You can call me if you find that you have something to say,

And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,

That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',

Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,

Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,

That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',

Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,

For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,

It seems one thing has been true all along,

You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,

I guess I've had it with you and your career,

When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone.

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone,

Please come back home...

Please come back home...

~~~~~~~Fort Minor

M a n [G] o

From Z to Z

2008-05-28T15:07:00.002-04:00

Good morning world and all who inhabit it! Just kidding... it's currently 3:07 p.m and school was out just over ten minutes ago. As you may have guessed, I am indeed staying after school yet again. Is there any particular reason? No... I told myself that I should start my French project, and I probably will. I'm so exhausted these days... and teachers are just piling up poject after project and test after test and I really don't know what to do... I can't see the end of it. Next week will be hell, if I make it past this weekend. So much stuff, so little time... there are other things that I would've loved to do this weekend other than studying and working on 2 different projects. It really is no fun and I believe my mind may be breaking down. I was so late this morning to get out of the house, you wouldn't believe... I had to make my mom get up and drive me to school... I can't wait for it to be over! Only two weeks left... two weeks and millions of exams and high porcentages of stress. I just want to sleep and see Zero again... xD

Other news... I want to buy myself a new camera! I was on deviant art two days ago (it was for school) and I saw many really nice photographs and I would like to be able to take pics like those! Also, I would like to find a program that would allow me to modify my pictures... I mean as if I had taken a picture in black and white, I would like to be able to put color on a certain part of the picture, but not everywhere. If anyone knows what I mean, please tell me! xD Another problem, I have no idea what kind of camera that I would need to take those kind of pictures... I'm guessing it's those black cameras with the big lenses... I wonder how much they cost... Also, I wonder if I could talk my grandfather into helping me buy it... *Brainblast* I could ask my family to help me get it! It could be my grad gift =) and I'm certain they wouldn't mind! Hip hip hooray!!! Anyways, I'm off for now!

¤Sayonara¤

M a n [G] o

Blowing off some steam

2008-05-26T20:21:00.002-04:00

----You're immature... you have an attitude as though the world owes you and as if people should always do everything for you... You don't pull your weight around the house... You came home last night after everyone, ate your food and didn't wash your dishes... Your room is always a mess when you leave here on Tuesdays... Did you notice that my girlfriend doesn't do as much stuff with you anymore? It's because she thinks that you don't say hi to her properly... I even have to remind you to say goodbye to her, or to say hello to her... [BULLSH*T] If you think that I'm being mean and picking you out, than that's being very immature... Well, don't you have anything to say?... Will I see any improvement?... Hey where are you going? Last time I checked, I was your father and you still have to give me a kiss before you leave...------

That's what the one-sided conversation sounded like this morning in the car... The only words spoken on my part were: "Did I say anything?" right around the 'picking me out' part. I hate mornings... and for him to have attacked me like that this morning really impacted my whole day... I was dreading the moment that I had to go back to his place. I didn't want to see him, I didn't want to speak with him, I didn't want to be anywhere near him... I stopped at my mom's house first to try and stall as much as I possibly could and ended up calling her... I was so upset, I couldn't stop myself from crying... he really made me feel bad, and I knew that there was no apology in store for me. He never apologizes... never. He never even apologized for the stupid things that he did to my mother... He just goes on later that day as though nothing ever happened. I can't stand that! I don't know if he does it out of spite, but it really bites. I know that I sometimes do that to, but if I know that I did something wrong, I won't be too proud to say that I'm sorry... RAAAAAAAAAWRRRR He drives me insane!!! He made me cry again... >_<

ANYWAYS! I'm done for today... I'm going to try to get to sleep early...

M a n [G] o

Scars, kisses, bruises[...]

2008-05-25T11:00:00.003-04:00

Last night, I watched a movie called "They Wait". It's a horror movie and I must admit that on multiple occasions, my fingers were in front of my face, slightly hiding my vision, but not completely. It was quite scary and the end of it, well I found it to be quite unexpected! I was silently laughing at myself, for, after the movie, I was lying in my bed being all paranoid-ish and checking every corner of my room expecting someone to be hiding in the corner ready to kill me! xDD I may not have nightmares, but I have quite the imagination when I daydream. xD
[...]
Speaking of imagination!! Yesterday I had a moment of inspiration for a new story! (Well, actually, a sequel to the story that I'm already writing...^_^) I was indeed inspired by some things that I'm living right now... but if it makes a good story, then is it really bad? Does it make me full of myself? I'm not sure... I think... well, actually, I have no idea what I think. xD Anyways, well, I suppose that if anyone's interested in knowing what it'll be about, ask, and I will tell! ^___^
[...]
For the moment, I must go and get ready for my outing later =] I'm going to the movies with Zerooo!!! \m/(>.<)\m/ I've never been out one on one with a boy before! xD I know that sounds very pitiful of me... but it's true and I admit it! xDDD

Sayonara~~~~~~~~

M a n [G] o

Sadness and Sorrow

2008-05-23T21:09:00.005-04:00

During lunch today, my friends and I were discussing dreams and nightmares and horrow movies. Cacao often has really freaky nightmares and it had me wondering what she had to have been thinking of prior to going to sleep or during the day to have dreams like that. I rarely have nightmares... but I none-the-less don't believe that I've ever had a nightmare of that nature. It was so spooky what she was saying. It had me wondering why I never had nightmares of the sort. I'm really into all of that kind of stuff... I watch scary movies, write scary stories and try to think of scary things and yet, I never suffer from bad dreams. I don't get it! I'm not saying that I'd like to have some... well actually sometimes I do, but only on occasion if it would help me in the inspiration that I needed for my writing. Maybe it's because I'm always such a scaredy pants...? I get scared easily when I'm at home by myself... but I mean who's to blame me? I feel like someone's watching me... and it always feels as though someone's in my mother's bedroom. (Her room is always quite dark...) Maybe that's why I always listen to my music so loud when I'm by myself? My conscience doesn't want to listen out for the more discreet noises in the house... thing is, my ears are always fine tuned to the inside of the house and to the street... but just, more concentrated on the music I suppose... I'm probably not making any sense... xD

[.......................]

I'm sad... very sad...

M a n [G] o

Yeah I know that everyone gets scared...

2008-05-22T21:17:00.002-04:00

Today was cool. I went to my future Cegep to learn a little about what to expect next year in my program. =] It seems interesting enough... quite stressful, but interesting none-the-less! I have two friends from my school that will be in my program with me so I'm glad! I won't be alone next year and I will no at least two people! xD But honestly, the people in my program with me all seem pretty cool. We weren't the most sociable bunch today, but I'm sure that in the fall when we all see each other again, we'll create greater bonds. =P Also, it was my mom's birthday today! I had forgotten to say it this morning in my hurry to catch the bus that I nearly missed xD and I felt so bad! Before boarding my second bus, I called home, woke her up yet again and wished her a happy birthday! xD Anyways... I'm falling asleep on the spot... I haven't exactly slept well all week... I hope maybe that tonight will be different. =[ Good night everyone!

I love you all!! ^____^

M a n [G] o

Bad habits die hard...

2008-05-19T21:05:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wonder why people continue to do things even when they are conscious that their actions will most likely have bad repercussions on them later on... I know we're all human, as am I, and that we make mistakes and most of the time learn from them... But then, how come, even after learning some things the hard way, we sometimes fall back down the wrong path and make the wrong decision yet again? We know that what we're doing can hurt us, yet we continue... And what about when we are doing something wrong and haven't yet been caught, yet we are perfectly aware that it's dangerous... do we really have to wait for the slap in the face before we stop? It's a question that I ask myself often... I know that I'm doing something wrong that could be very dangerous, but I still insist. No matter how many times my friend had asked me to stop, I continued anyways... She stopped asking me to cease what I was doing... after I stopped telling her about it. When she used to confront me about it, I felt very aggravated and I still don't know why. She's like my twin to me and I knew that she only wanted to help, yet I still snapped at her when asked about what I was doing... I've calmed down in what concerns what I was doing, but I have yet to stop. She knows that I would never do anything stupid to that extent and I'm glad that she worried about me. It's just something that I've become so used to, I can't just stop from one day to the next, even if it can be dangerous. Occasionally, I do feel in danger... but I shrug it off. I watch too many movies. ^^" It's a bad habit I suppose... (not the movies... I mean what I do.) That's why, in a way, I can kind of understand Ringo. His fake fun is something he's gotten used to. But I understand Kiwii too for worrying about him and wanting him to stop. It's really not that simple... it should be, but it's not... *Sighs* Maybe someday... but right now, I don't see myself stopping anytime soon...

M a n [G] o

RAWRRR

2008-05-19T15:42:00.002-04:00

To my great horror, the temperature is getting warmer and the spider appearances are becoming more and more numerous in my house. Would any brave knight come to save me from the things that I dread most? For now, my brother is doing quite the swell job. Only two days ago, he spotted this really big eight-legged creature on the ceiling upstairs and killed it for me... It makes me paranoid to see them... I feel very aware all of a sudden of everything that's going on around me and I'm afraid that there may be more that will come to avenge the death of their brothers. I get all itchy and such... I really fear them... no matter how ridiculous everyone seems to think my fear is! xD

Other news... Kiwii and I are still unable to get the stupid video to work... she's going to have to go to our other partner's place to do it after... which really sucks because she had intended to be finished by now. See thing is, this other girl... let's call her BlondCherry... we used her video camera to film our movie because we didn't own a one, but she never helped out more that letting us use it. She barely helped us write the script, and had it not been for her, we could've been done filming a long time ago... For exemple, last Wednesday, we went to Isa's house to film a couple scenes and then we reminded her that we had to film on Sunday at Ringo's place (she had already agreed to that on the Saturday prior) and her response was as follows (after a short pause to think of an answer): "This Sunday or next Sunday?" I think that Kiwii and I were ready to shoot her right then and there. Really, how much of a dunce could she be? The project is due tomorrow and she knows that, so what kind of question was that? >____<>

Anyways... props out to the great mind that fixed my layout!! Thankies muy muy mucho!! =P I love it so much!! ^___^ Alright well... I'm off for now...

I hate swearing but she really is a bitch this one... BlondCherry... Nothing but excuses all the time... -____________-

M a n G o

Flashing Lights

2008-05-12T22:19:00.002-04:00

Just hours ago, I had my dress rehearsal for the show and I must say, my group is quite good. =] This really will be a short entry just to state that I had an enjoyable day. No homework, my math test went quite well... as did my French one, so nothing stressful. I want to thank very much the person that managed to make my blog page work after the time that I spent trying to figure out what was wrong! Many many thanks to you! ^____^ Also, yesterday I believe that I may have been a tad on the b*tch side but to be honest, sometimes it really is needed. I wasn't interested in arguing and being accused of obsession and jealousy (sorry but those aren't quite traits of my personality... I know better =P). Anyways, I wish to all a good night and pleasant dreams for that is also what I am hoping for! *bisoux* Night everyone!! <^.^>

-----Dancy pancy ManGo------

Scream for the Silence

2008-05-10T18:11:00.000-04:00

J'aimerais bien que tu cries lorsque je te viderai de ton sang. Ohayo! How's everyone doing? I went shopping with Cacao this morning and we both bumped into Kiwii on the way back. =] Quite unexpected, but not unnoticed! (It was great to see you today no matter what intensity of tiki tiki tak you were feeling! xDD) I bought myself two shirts and one for Debbi which totaled at around 74$ (I haven't spent that much in a while... xD) and in addition to our shirts, I bought really cute hand accesories (they were 3 for 10$ =]).

Also, today was my last dance class was today! I have rehearsal on Monday and then the show will be on Friday. I'm excited!! Chances are, I won't be taking dance classes next year... it all depends on my class schedules so I would like to really dance my heart out, even more than I normally do!

Anyways... I suppose that's all for the moment. Ciaooooo~

M @ n G 0